As human beings, we all experience grief at some point in our life - relationships end, jobs change, people relocate, pets pass away, and we lose loved ones.

Grief is everywhere for all of us - yet our society does a poor job allowing people to grieve.

I want you to hear that it is ok to grieve and it is normal to struggle with how to continue living your life while dealing with grief.
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Grief hurts. Grief is overwhelming. Grief is confusing. Grief is much more than the 5 stages you may have heard about (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

Allow yourself to feel your feelings and be kind to yourself.

If you are struggling with grief right now, what is one thing you can do this week to allow yourself to feel your feelings?

Can you write about your loss?

Can you talk about your loss with someone?

Can you spend some time someplace that makes you feel connected to the person or thing you
lost?

How can you be kind to yourself as you grieve?

(Read this post on the Changing Perspectives Online Facebook Page)

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If you are grieving, Confessions from the Couch: Finding Hope and Resilience in Grief - A Grief Journal and Guide After Loss, is the resource you need. This 116 page, full-color grief guide and journal will help you find hope and resilience in your grief journey. Get your copy today - BUY NOW

As I write this message today, the sun is shining brightly, my windows are open, and the sounds of spring are all around me.

My favorite tree in my backyard is in full bloom and the birds almost seem to be smiling as they dance their way around the lawn in the morning.

There is a hopefulness that seems to be filling the air right now.

But just because nature is coming alive all around us and each day brings more flowery blossoms everywhere we look, it doesn't mean that we all are feeling that same rebirth or rejuvenation.

The harsh reality is that so many of us are suffering right now.

If you look beyond the flowers and sunshine and song birds, you can see it on the faces of some of the people around you.

There is something extra hard about grief and pain and suffering when the outside world is marching forward towards brightness and hope.

If you are someone right now who can't yet feel the hopefulness of spring, hear me when I say that it is ok.

It is ok to feel your feelings. It is ok to let yourself grieve. It is ok to not be ready to enjoy spring.

But don't suffer in silence. Be brave and reach out to a friend. Share with them how you are feeling and maybe even ask them to come and sit with you.

Wherever you are in your season of life is ok right now - even if you are in winter when the world around you is in spring. No winter ever lasts forever. Your spring will come eventually.

Until then, keep holding on. 

(View this post on the Changing Perspectives Facebook Page)

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If you are grieving, Confessions from the Couch: Finding Hope and Resilience in Grief - A Grief Journal and Guide After Loss, is the resource you need. This 116 page, full-color grief guide and journal will help you find hope and resilience in your grief journey. Get your copy today: BUY NOW
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If you are grieving, Confessions from the Couch: Finding Hope and Resilience in Grief - A Grief Journal and Guide After Loss, is the resource you need. This 116 page, full-color grief guide and journal will help you find hope and resilience in your grief journey. 
Get your copy today: BUY NOW

​Sometimes when I walk into a patient's room I can feel their emotion before they say a word.

This morning was one of those times. The grief hung thick in the air and was visible on my patient's face as soon as I entered her room. As if she had a shameful secret that she had been saving for my ears only, she quickly shared with me recurring feelings of guilt and sadness about her daughter, husband and brother - all deceased. Her usual cheerful, bright mood had been replaced this week with irritability, restlessness and a great deal of self-doubt. Casting her eyes down at her hands and sighing loudly she said,

"Something's wrong with me. I looked down at my hand at Bingo last week, saw my ring and started crying about my husband. That's not normal. I'm not normal."

I'm willing to bet that, at some point or another, all of us have thought this very same thought: "I'm not normal."

You know the feeling, suddenly, out of nowhere, we are reminded of a loss in our lives. A rogue wave of grief, sadness, despair washes over us without warning and suddenly we are drowning in our sorrow. Again. It's as if the loss has happened again. Days, months, years may have passed since the loss but it feels brand new again.

Right behind this wave of grief comes another wave - a wave of embarrassment and shame. What do we often say when this happens in front of someone else? "I'm sorry." ​We place intense pressure on ourselves to keep our feelings inside and to manage the grieving process in a neat, tidy, orderly and proper manner. It's easy to see where this pressure comes from; just look at what happens when we suffer a loss. Most employers provide their employees with a mere 3 days of bereavement leave after the loss of an immediate relative. 3 days. 3 days? 3 days!! After those 3 days the message begins to creep in from a number of areas that it's time to pull yourself together, stop crying and move on.

Guess what? That message is wrong.

Grief doesn't go away. The wave doesn't crest, crash on the shore and disappear. It stays with us. Forever. The hole in our heart never goes away. It never heals. There is no closure. Grief is forever. When we lose someone, that loss stays with us. It changes us. It's always there, just beneath the surface. It doesn't mean it breaks us or ruins us or takes away all hope. It just becomes a part of us and it is certainly not a part of us that should bring us shame. So, sometimes, when we look down at our hand and catch sight of our deceased husband's wedding ring on our finger, we grieve all over again. Nothing is wrong with us. We are normal.

Imagine what would happen if we stopped feeling embarrassed about our grief, stopped apologizing, stopped trying to control and contain it and just acknowledged it honestly and supported each other unconditionally. What if instead of saying, "something's wrong with me" or "I'm not normal" we said "This is grief and it's ok to show it. I'm just like everyone else."

Wouldn't that feel better?

​(Originally published as my very first blog article from June 2016. View this post on Facebook)

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If you are grieving, Confessions from the Couch: Finding Hope and Resilience in Grief - A Grief Journal and Guide After Loss, is the resource you need. This 116 page, full-color grief guide and journal will help you find hope and resilience in your grief journey. Get your copy today: BUY NOW

Bedtime is when I feel the closest to her.

For as long as I can remember, I always feel a new burst of energy and a yearning for connection at the end of the day.
Almost ceremonially and ritualistically, I peel the weighted blanket off my bed each night, fold it, and place it on my bureau, an act that always connects me to the memory of her pulling her fancy bedspread off her bed and hanging it on the blanket rack each night.

Bedtime and the act of folding that blanket each night sparks something in me and my always too loud mind slows and aches for some conversation — just like we used to do during the commercials between Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote, and Dallas.

She was a far better bedtime conversationalist than my snoring husband.

Some nights her words come flooding back to me — telling me over and over again how smart I am, how I should be on Jeopardy someday, or how she liked my hair pulled back into a ponytail because she could see my pretty face better.

I have no memories of her ever telling me she loved me but I never doubted it. I felt it.

All the time.

I felt it when we would sneak Milano cookies down the hallway and eat them in bed while watching tv, being careful to not let my grandfather know.

I felt it when she asked me to make her some Kraft macaroni and cheese because she liked the way I made it.

I felt it when she would take me out shopping all day on Saturdays and never placed restrictions on what I could order for lunch at the restaurant we would stop at on the way home.

I felt it when we would sit at her kitchen table and drink hot tea and talk about the Queen, our spoons clinking loudly as we stirred in the milk and sugar.

I felt it every time we were together, even if we were doing nothing — somehow especially when we were doing nothing.
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It’s been 25 years since I’ve seen her but I find myself feeling connected to her so very often.

I feel it every time Milano cookies find their way into my shopping cart and I get to enjoy them with my sons.

I feel it every time I open a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese for my son, my niece, or my nephew.

I feel it every time I catch a glimpse of myself with my hair pulled back in a pony tail.

I feel it every time I get to watch Jeopardy or see a reference to The Golden Girls.

I feel it every time I sit and enjoy a good cup of tea or when I watch The Crown.

Some nights after I pull back that weighted blanket, when my mind begins to wander, wondering what kind of mother, wife, and friend I was that day, I find comfort in the lessons of love my grandmother taught me.

I don’t need to plan big trips, be a perfect person, spend lots of money, or create elaborate memories in order for my children to know that I love them.

The truth is that the things that fill our hearts when we lose the people we love are the little moments. The mundane, simple, and ordinary moments are what keep us connected to them and make us feel their presence long after they have left this world.
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The little things are what remind us we were loved.

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originally published on Her View From Home, March 2021.

​It’s here.
That painful time of year has arrived.
Despite the festive red cups at the coffee shops, the pretty twinkling lights everywhere, and the bright and cheerful holiday music, this time of year is excruciatingly painful for so many.
They walk amongst you.
They plaster on their fake smiles during work Zoom calls.
They sit beside you making small talk at your kid’s basketball games.
They chat about surface level topics over dinner at birthday parties.
They stand quietly in line while waiting for their latte, willing back their tears.
They pluck ornaments from the giving tree at the gym, desperate to find a way to find a glimmer of happiness right now.
They are heartbroken.
They are all too aware of the giant hole in their lives during the holiday season.
The thought of not seeing their loved one at the holiday table makes them want to faint or scream or punch the wall or hide under the covers for days.
They are all around you.
And they are often silent.
So silent.
But if you listen, their silence is deafening.
Society doesn’t grant them much permission to share their grief, to talk about their loved one, or to express their complicated feelings.
After all, the holidays should be a joyful time and there’s always something to be thankful for.
At least, that’s the message we send to them.
“Be happy.”
“Get over it.”
“They wouldn’t want you to be sad during the holidays.”
But when you are grieving, nothing is more lonely or less joyful than the holiday season - two long months of pure emotional pain and social pressures.
So they push their pain down and carry on, pretending to be whole.
But they aren’t.
They are hurting.
They are broken.
Next time you are in your Zoom meeting, or at your kid’s basketball game, or at a gathering with friends, or in line at the coffee shop, take a moment and forget about festive cups, twinkly lights, and holiday music and listen.
Listen to their silence.
Look behind their fake smiles.
Hear their hidden pain.
Feel the silent weight they carry.
Maybe you could even give them space to grieve, ask about their loved one, or just let them know you see them.
They need it.
Especially now.
It’s here.
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Download your free 7-page grief journal abs guide here: bit.ly/Griefjournalguide
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That time of year has found us once again.

Everywhere we turn we see the sights, sounds, and smells of the holidays.

Stores fill their aisles with holiday decorations and pine tree scents. Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks rolled out their festive holiday cups. Radio stations have been playing holiday tunes for weeks now. Social media is filled with posts of families posing for their holiday greeting cards in fields filled with Christmas trees. 

After everything this year has brought us, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and lean into the holidays. Right?

Wrong.

For so many of us, these winter holidays are hard and nothing short of heartbreaking.
This time of year, more than any other time of year, is when all the wounds of grief start to open up, memories flood to the surface of grievers’ minds, and the pain of losing someone we love is more palpable than ever. 

Everywhere they turn, people who have lost loved ones are reminded those special people will not be with them this holiday season.

There will be no gifts for them.

They will not be seated at their holiday tables.

They will not make their famous apple pies or green bean casseroles.

They won’t participate in their family’s matching pajamas traditions.

They won’t be there to help wrap presents or sign holiday cards.

Death has left an unimaginable hole in their lives and the holiday season amplifies it almost infinitely.

You probably know people who are hurting like this right now. They are your friends, your family members, your co-workers, and your neighbors. Maybe you are the person who is hurting right now. Maybe it’s all you can do to hold on each day as these cold, long nights and holiday cheer all around create a deep, dark sadness for you. 

My friend, keep holding on. You will make it through these hard days. These challenging times can be made a little less painful by leaning into a few core truths. 

It’s OK To Include Your Loved One in the Holidays
So often our society sends us subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) messages to find closure, let go, or move on following a loss. 

To put it nicely — that’s a bunch of nonsense.

You don’t need to let go of your loved one after their death. You should find new ways to hold onto them, treasure your memories of them, and find new ways to feel connected to them. 

It is OK to find a way to honor your loved one and include their memory in your holiday season. Perhaps there is a special ornament to hang on your tree or you can light a candle each night in their memory. Maybe you could volunteer to feed the homeless, sponsor a family in need, or host a toy drive. Cook that favorite dish of theirs. Wear those earrings they gave you. 

Don’t try to forget them this season. Instead, remember them. Talk about them. Share their memory with others.

Feeling Your Feelings is Normal and Healthy
This time of year, more than any other time of year, can make those of us who are grieving feel like we are on an emotional roller coaster. Suddenly that sweet little Santa figurine that used to make us smile sends us into a fit of sobbing. That Christmas movie we always used to love suddenly makes us feel angry and jealous. 

These feelings are normal. There is nothing wrong with you — you are grieving. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to express some anger, take up kickboxing or scream into a pillow. 

Seriously. Let out your emotions.

If you try to bottle up all of your feelings, they probably will escape at the most inopportune times — like when your child spills his glass of apple juice, someone cuts you off on the highway, or that lady in front of you tries to sneak 13 items into the 12 items or less express-line at the grocery store.

Reaching Out To Your Support Network is Not a Sign of Weakness
For many people, their support networks kick into hyper-drive following a loss. Phone calls, texts, visits, casseroles, and cards pour in almost non-stop immediately following the death.

But after the funeral, those types of support can suddenly come to a crashing halt. Do people suddenly stop caring? No.

Many people are uncomfortable around grief and simply don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to act. So, they avoid it.

Don’t be afraid to tell your support network what you need. It’s OK to ask for specific things like invitations to social events, regular phone calls, a visit, staying away for a while, and even practical help with things like errands and child care.

In most cases, your support network will be delighted to have been given a specific way to be useful and supportive for you.

You Must Be Kind To Yourself
Check yourself right now. Do you have some negative self-talk swirling around in your brain? Are you judging yourself for what you are feeling and how you are expressing those feelings? 

Be kind and understanding to yourself.

Grief doesn’t go away. It’s always there inside you. You carry it around with you and sometimes it’s heavier than other times. It’s normal, and it’s OK to struggle with the weight of that grief. Recognize that it is normal for this time of year to be more painful and challenging.

This is a good time of year to try to look for the things and people that bring you hope. Do things that make you feel good and nurture yourself. Yoga. Walk. Exercise. Journal. Read. Play music. Listen to music. Start therapy. Attend a support group.

Above all, remember you are human and deserve compassion — especially from yourself. 

This piece was originally published 12/10/2020 on Her View From Home: https://herviewfromhome.com/4-ways-to-get-through-the-holidays/

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• You are grieving after a loss.
• You don't know what to write about in a grief journal.
• You are struggling with finding ways to feel connected to the memory of your loved one.
• You are feeling like you can't talk to many others about your grief.
• You need an outlet to express your grief.

Click HERE to learn more and download your free copy today.
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