It’s here.
That painful time of year has arrived. Despite the festive red cups at the coffee shops, the pretty twinkling lights everywhere, and the bright and cheerful holiday music, this time of year is excruciatingly painful for so many. They walk amongst you. They plaster on their fake smiles during work Zoom calls. They sit beside you making small talk at your kid’s basketball games. They chat about surface level topics over dinner at birthday parties. They stand quietly in line while waiting for their latte, willing back their tears. They pluck ornaments from the giving tree at the gym, desperate to find a way to find a glimmer of happiness right now. They are heartbroken. They are all too aware of the giant hole in their lives during the holiday season. The thought of not seeing their loved one at the holiday table makes them want to faint or scream or punch the wall or hide under the covers for days. They are all around you. And they are often silent. So silent. But if you listen, their silence is deafening. Society doesn’t grant them much permission to share their grief, to talk about their loved one, or to express their complicated feelings. After all, the holidays should be a joyful time and there’s always something to be thankful for. At least, that’s the message we send to them. “Be happy.” “Get over it.” “They wouldn’t want you to be sad during the holidays.” But when you are grieving, nothing is more lonely or less joyful than the holiday season - two long months of pure emotional pain and social pressures. So they push their pain down and carry on, pretending to be whole. But they aren’t. They are hurting. They are broken. Next time you are in your Zoom meeting, or at your kid’s basketball game, or at a gathering with friends, or in line at the coffee shop, take a moment and forget about festive cups, twinkly lights, and holiday music and listen. Listen to their silence. Look behind their fake smiles. Hear their hidden pain. Feel the silent weight they carry. Maybe you could even give them space to grieve, ask about their loved one, or just let them know you see them. They need it. Especially now. It’s here. ****** Download your free 7-page grief journal abs guide here: bit.ly/Griefjournalguide *****
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That time of year has found us once again.
Everywhere we turn we see the sights, sounds, and smells of the holidays. Stores fill their aisles with holiday decorations and pine tree scents. Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks rolled out their festive holiday cups. Radio stations have been playing holiday tunes for weeks now. Social media is filled with posts of families posing for their holiday greeting cards in fields filled with Christmas trees. After everything this year has brought us, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and lean into the holidays. Right? Wrong. For so many of us, these winter holidays are hard and nothing short of heartbreaking. This time of year, more than any other time of year, is when all the wounds of grief start to open up, memories flood to the surface of grievers’ minds, and the pain of losing someone we love is more palpable than ever. Everywhere they turn, people who have lost loved ones are reminded those special people will not be with them this holiday season. There will be no gifts for them. They will not be seated at their holiday tables. They will not make their famous apple pies or green bean casseroles. They won’t participate in their family’s matching pajamas traditions. They won’t be there to help wrap presents or sign holiday cards. Death has left an unimaginable hole in their lives and the holiday season amplifies it almost infinitely. You probably know people who are hurting like this right now. They are your friends, your family members, your co-workers, and your neighbors. Maybe you are the person who is hurting right now. Maybe it’s all you can do to hold on each day as these cold, long nights and holiday cheer all around create a deep, dark sadness for you. My friend, keep holding on. You will make it through these hard days. These challenging times can be made a little less painful by leaning into a few core truths. It’s OK To Include Your Loved One in the Holidays So often our society sends us subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) messages to find closure, let go, or move on following a loss. To put it nicely — that’s a bunch of nonsense. You don’t need to let go of your loved one after their death. You should find new ways to hold onto them, treasure your memories of them, and find new ways to feel connected to them. It is OK to find a way to honor your loved one and include their memory in your holiday season. Perhaps there is a special ornament to hang on your tree or you can light a candle each night in their memory. Maybe you could volunteer to feed the homeless, sponsor a family in need, or host a toy drive. Cook that favorite dish of theirs. Wear those earrings they gave you. Don’t try to forget them this season. Instead, remember them. Talk about them. Share their memory with others. Feeling Your Feelings is Normal and Healthy This time of year, more than any other time of year, can make those of us who are grieving feel like we are on an emotional roller coaster. Suddenly that sweet little Santa figurine that used to make us smile sends us into a fit of sobbing. That Christmas movie we always used to love suddenly makes us feel angry and jealous. These feelings are normal. There is nothing wrong with you — you are grieving. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to express some anger, take up kickboxing or scream into a pillow. Seriously. Let out your emotions. If you try to bottle up all of your feelings, they probably will escape at the most inopportune times — like when your child spills his glass of apple juice, someone cuts you off on the highway, or that lady in front of you tries to sneak 13 items into the 12 items or less express-line at the grocery store. Reaching Out To Your Support Network is Not a Sign of Weakness For many people, their support networks kick into hyper-drive following a loss. Phone calls, texts, visits, casseroles, and cards pour in almost non-stop immediately following the death. But after the funeral, those types of support can suddenly come to a crashing halt. Do people suddenly stop caring? No. Many people are uncomfortable around grief and simply don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to act. So, they avoid it. Don’t be afraid to tell your support network what you need. It’s OK to ask for specific things like invitations to social events, regular phone calls, a visit, staying away for a while, and even practical help with things like errands and child care. In most cases, your support network will be delighted to have been given a specific way to be useful and supportive for you. You Must Be Kind To Yourself Check yourself right now. Do you have some negative self-talk swirling around in your brain? Are you judging yourself for what you are feeling and how you are expressing those feelings? Be kind and understanding to yourself. Grief doesn’t go away. It’s always there inside you. You carry it around with you and sometimes it’s heavier than other times. It’s normal, and it’s OK to struggle with the weight of that grief. Recognize that it is normal for this time of year to be more painful and challenging. This is a good time of year to try to look for the things and people that bring you hope. Do things that make you feel good and nurture yourself. Yoga. Walk. Exercise. Journal. Read. Play music. Listen to music. Start therapy. Attend a support group. Above all, remember you are human and deserve compassion — especially from yourself. This piece was originally published 12/10/2020 on Her View From Home: https://herviewfromhome.com/4-ways-to-get-through-the-holidays/ It’s that time of year again.
All around us are the sights, sounds and smells of the holidays. Stores are beginning to fill their aisles with holiday decorations and pine tree scents. Soon Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks will roll out their festive holiday cups and radio stations will begin playing the first notes of holiday music. Before we know it, Santa will be arriving in locations all around us to pose for photos with children. Already families can be seen in local parks and pretty fields taking their annual family portraits for their Christmas cards. Restaurants are advertising their holiday meal order schedules and holiday party invites have already made it to some people's inboxes. Such a wonderful and joyous time of the year. Right? Not for everyone. For many people, the winter holidays are excruciatingly painful. Either they have recently lost a loved one and this will be their first holiday season without them or the holiday season is a sad reminder of their lost loved one. When they see all the happy, smiling faces on Christmas cards, they are reminded that their loved one won’t be on any cards this season. That adorable, heart-warming commercial with the cheerful family seated around the Thanksgiving dinner table makes them realize there will be an empty chair at their own Thanksgiving table this year. While perusing their local Target, a holiday sale banner catches their eye and they see “the” perfect gift for their loved one, forgetting for just a split second that there will be no gift exchange with their lost loved one this year. Maybe you know these people. You probably do. Think about your friends, your family, your coworkers. How many of them lost someone within the past year? How many lost a very important person ever and might ache for them throughout the holiday season? Maybe this person is you and you find yourself dreading the holiday season. For those of us living in parts of the country where the sun sets earlier, leaving us in darkness from 4:30pm on, the nights can start to feel painfully long and lonely this time of year. The colder weather forces us indoors, encouraging us to hibernate. But if you have recently lost a loved one, the longer nights, colder temperatures, and holidays on the horizon can all add up to a deep, dark sadness. Whether you are the one hurting this holiday season or you know someone for whom the holidays are difficult, here are some tips to help you manage the grief that is often so palpable this time of year. 1. Honor your loved one So often our society pressures us to “move on,” “heal,” “find closure,” or “let go” of our loved ones. Those messages are wrong. We shouldn’t be letting go; we should be finding new ways to hold on to them, hold onto our memories of them, and find a new way to feel connected to them. Spend some time thinking about how best to honor your loved one this season. It could be as simple as lighting a candle or hanging a special ornament on your tree. Maybe it’s volunteering to feed the homeless, host a toy drive for children, or sponsoring a family for Christmas. Go to their favorite restaurant. Cook their famous side dish. Wear their necklace. Stop trying to forget them. Instead, embrace your memories of them. Talk about them. Say their name and say it often. 2. Allow yourself to feel It’s amazing how connected our senses are to our emotions. Just a certain smell in the air or a song on the radio can take us back to another time in our life. The holidays can do this too. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself more emotional than usual. If you need to cry, cry. If you you need to express some anger, take up kickboxing or scream into a pillow. Seriously. Let out your emotions. If you try to bottle up all of your feelings, they probably will escape at the most inopportune times — like when your child spills his glass of apple juice, someone cuts you off on the highway, or that lady in front of you tries to sneak 13 items into the 12 item or less express line at the grocery store. Feeling all of your emotions doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. 3. Be social…or don’t It’s normal to not want to celebrate at all during the holidays after a loss. Seeing so many people laughing and filled with joy can feel surreal when your world is still spinning uncontrollably after a loss. If you don’t want to attend some of the holiday functions, don’t. You know yourself best. One word of caution, however: isolation after a loss can lead to depression and complicated grief. Sometimes it’s good to force yourself to socialize, just a little. When you do accept an invitation somewhere, though, give yourself an escape route to use if things suddenly feel too much. Give one or two friends that will be at these events a heads up that you may need to quickly duck out. This little bit of planning means that you are giving yourself permission to leave whenever you need to leave, without having to worry about explaining your quick departure to anyone. 4. Speak up For many people, their support networks kick into hyper-drive following a loss. Phone calls, texts, visits, casseroles, and cards are pouring in almost non-stop immediately following the death. But after the funeral, those types of support can suddenly come to a crashing halt. Do people suddenly stop caring? No. Many people are uncomfortable around grief and simply don’t know what to say, what to do or how to act. So, they avoid. Don’t be afraid to tell your support network what you need. It’s ok to ask for specific things like invitations to social events, regular phone calls, a visit, staying away for a while, and even practical help with things like errands and child care. In most cases, your support network will be delighted to have been given a specific way to be useful and supportive for you. 5. Be kind to yourself Watch for negative self-talk and talking down about yourself. Thinking or saying things like these ones only bring us down more: “I shouldn’t be crying like this.” “This shouldn’t bother me so much.” “What’s wrong with me” Be kind and understanding to yourself. Grief doesn’t go away. It’s always there inside you. You carry it around with you and sometimes it’s heavier than other times. It’s normal and it’s ok. Recognize that it is normal for this time of year to be more painful and challenging. This is a good time of year to try to look for the things and people that bring you hope. Do things that make you feel good and nurture yourself. Yoga. Walk. Exercise. Journal. Read. Play music. Listen to music. Start therapy. Attend a support group. Remember that you are human and deserve compassion — especially from yourself. |
GriefGrief is everywhere for all of us - yet our society does a poor job allowing people to grieve. It is ok to grieve and it is normal to struggle with how to continue living your life while dealing with grief. Archives
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