I’m not sure how it happened but here I am about to celebrate my 43rd birthday. While I certainly haven’t figured out all of life’s secrets, I have learned my fair share of important lessons, leaving me feeling much more balanced, fulfilled, and hopeful today than I have ever felt as I approached any of my other birthdays. 


So, in honor of my 43rd birthday, I give you 44 (1 for each year plus 1 for good luck) of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far: 

In no particular order:
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1. Don’t borrow anxiety from the future. It’s simply not a good investment of your time.
2. Your biggest enemy is you. In the words of Milli Vanilli (or whoever really wrote their songs), you know it’s true.
3. You can either make changes or make excuses. Change is one of the hardest things we can do in life which is why we resist it so much.
4. Choose people who choose you. You aren’t for everyone and not everyone is for you — when you choose each other mutually, that’s the good stuff.
5. Nachos and tacos make almost anything better. They are pure magic and I will never turn them down.
6. Make time to rest and recharge — it won’t just happen magically. You make time and plans for everything and everyone else, it’s time to do it for yourself too.
7. Perfection is a myth. So, let’s stop chasing after it as if it’s attainable.
8. You are not responsible for other people’s happiness. You aren’t — even if they think you are.
9. Never underestimate the power of an unexpected text or phone call. You might be someone’s last hope.
10. You don’t have to fight every battle. It’s ok to let others fight the battles sometimes too.
11. It’s ok to not be ok. Part of being human is having feelings and sometimes those feelings are just plain painful.
12. Closure does not exist. Much like perfection, it’s a myth we keep trying to chase.
13. Real friends don’t keep score. Real friends understand that sometimes we just can’t show up as the best versions of ourselves — and they love us anyway.
14. Don’t give other people’s opinions of you more attention than they deserve. You are never going to please everyone or make everyone like you — stop trying.
15. Sometimes you just have to feel your feelings. All of them-even the ugly ones. If you don’t feel them, I promise you at some point they will spill out anyway.
16. Don’t drink cheap tequila. Just don’t do it. Spend the extra money for the good stuff.
17. You can hear a lot by listening to the silence. It can be uncomfortable to sit in that silent space but so much can be heard there.
18. An authentic life requires vulnerability and risk. Being authentic can be terrifying but the rewards are worth it.
19. Your mistakes do not define you — how you correct them does. We all make mistakes — how we respond is what matters most.
20. Real is better than perfect. Remember that perfection doesn’t exist. Show up as your real self.
21. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some hurts are just too big.
22. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is to just listen. How nice does it feel when others give us space and just listen? Let’s remember to do that for others. 
23. The best investment to make is in yourself. YOU are an investment that is worth the return.
24. Parenting teenagers is equal parts trying to hold on and trying to let go. It’s a constant struggle between the two sides.
25. It’s ok to be proud of yourself. Let’s stop pretending like it’s rude to be proud of ourselves-your accomplishments are worth sharing and celebrating!
26. Your worth is not determined by others. Your worth is determined by you and by you alone.
27. People will treat you how you let them treat you. Stop letting people walk all over you.
28. A little bit of kindness can make a lot of impact. A tiny bit of kindness can brighten someone’s entire week.
29. What you think you know about someone’s situation is never the full story. We never know the full story about someone else’s life-especially when we think we do.
30. It’s ok to walk away from toxicity. In fact, it’s necessary for survival.
31. Not everyone is going to like you — and it’s ok. Once you accept this fact life becomes a whole lot easier.
32. Life’s uncomfortable moments can be where we grow the most. These moments are where so much learning can occur.
33. Self-care is not selfish. Making time to care for yourself sometimes means putting yourself first-that doesn’t make it selfish.
34. No is a complete sentence. You don’t always owe others an explanation.
35. Sometimes the best way to create space for your teen to talk with you is to get in the car and drive with them. Something truly magical happens every time.
36. When you seek approval from everyone else, you lose sight of the real you. Stop twisting yourself into a pretzel to make everyone happy. 
37. When in doubt, reach out. If you are thinking of someone, let them know.
38. There is beauty in the simple. Sometimes less is more.
39. You have to look for the glimmers of hope — always. They are always there-sometimes we just have to work harder to find them.
40. Celebrate the little moments — they become the big moments. Life is really all about our individual collections of beautiful little moments that tell the full story of our lives.
41. Lean in to the things that scare you. Sometimes those are the things we need most.
42. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s more than ok-it’s necessary.
43. Don’t believe the lies your depression and anxiety tell you. They will tell you so many lies-you don’t have to believe them.
44. We all are works in progress. So let’s show each other and ourselves a bit more grace.

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“You’re one of the strongest moms I know. If you can’t do it, I can’t either.”

My friend’s words jumped out of the text at me, hitting me right in the gut. That negative voice in my head, always lurking just beneath the surface, was quick to question her view of me. 

How could it be that someone sees me as strong when lately all I feel is weak, a growing sense that I am a failure, and the notion that I am shrinking away from everyone?

How could it be that despite the fog of depression and anxiety that has lately filled my head once again, I could appear to have it all together to others?

How could it be that my outward projection is such a contradiction to my inner thoughts about myself?

Which view of me is the correct one? Her view or my own? 

“I always think of you when I am in a bad spot and wonder what you would do.”

This time her words hit me even deeper. They cut through the nonsense in my head and brought some clarity to me. 

She had no way of knowing my inner struggles, but something I was doing or saying was acting as a lifeline for her. Somehow, despite nearly drowning in my own despair, I was serving as a beacon of hope for her at times. 

Maybe, just maybe, that voice in my head was wrong. 

Maybe, just maybe, I could find a way to be that beacon of hope for myself. 

Her words echoed in my head that night and kept me awake for hours as I reflected more and more about what it meant to be a source of hope for someone.

I realized that I can’t give up. None of us can. 

We have no idea who is watching us, who is holding on to their last thread of hope thinking, If she can’t do it, neither can I.

We have no idea who is wondering what we would do if we were in their shoes, using us and our experiences to help guide them through their troubles. 

Look around. Someone somewhere is watching you, desperately looking for signs of hope and a sense of guidance. Maybe it’s one of your closest friends, a family member, a neighbor, a mom who sees you in the drop-off line at school, a coworker, an online friend, a stranger at the grocery store, someone reading your words—it doesn’t matter who it is, but they need you to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep believing in yourself. 

If you can’t do it, they can’t either.

Originally published 11/27/20 on Her View From Home: https://herviewfromhome.com/dear-mama-you-are-stronger-than-you-think/

As I was listening to my sons tell me all about their impromptu baseball practice session at the field the other day, critiquing each other’s stance, swing and follow through, I realized that life is a lot like getting up to bat in baseball.

The People

Your fans
Behind you are your friends. They are the people in the crowd who are there for you and want you to do your best. They know when you need to be cheered on and when you need them to be quiet. They get you.

Fans of the other team
Behind you may also be some people who are not your friends. They wouldn’t mind seeing you strike out because they are there to root for someone else.

People only there for the snacks
Then there are the people that are just acquaintances. They are the people behind you who are totally uninterested in what you are doing — they are taking selfies on their phones and carrying on about something totally unrelated to your at-bat. Even though they are neutral, you still might not want to make an error in front of them.

Your coaches
Then there are your role models. They are your coaches. You look to them for guidance and advice. They motivate and push you.

The umps
Let’s not forget about the authority figures in your life. Perhaps they are bosses or others who are quick to judge you. They are the Umps, ready to call you “out.”

Your teammates
But, as you make your way to the plate, you also feel the presence of your team. Your success is their success. Your failure will also be felt by them. Maybe they are cheering you on, chanting your name, reminding you that they believe in you.

Your opponents
Then there is the other team — waiting in the outfield, watching your every move. Willing you to strike out and send them a nice pop fly.

Does any of that seem a bit like how real life goes?

It does for me.

I can identify people in each of those roles: fans for my team, fans for the other team, neutral acquaintances, people quick to judge or point out my errors and also my team who has my back.

Once you are in the batter’s box, all that other stuff fades away as you face off with the pitcher.

The Fear

• What if you swing and miss?
• What if the pitcher throws a crazy ball and you get hit?
• What if you get hurt?
• What if you completely strike out?
• What if you let yourself down?
• Worse yet, what if you let your team down?

I have seen countless batters step into that box throughout my years as a baseball mom. One single bad experience can set some kids into an incredible slump. Great hitters suddenly freeze, afraid to swing the bat. Some confident batters suddenly find themselves jumping out of the box because they have grown afraid of being hit by a ball again. Others lose their focus and can no longer seem to make contact with the ball. I have spent many seasons cheering on my sons, hearing coaches remind them that baseball is in large part about confidence, focus and staying in the box.

Look around. What is it like in your batter’s box of life now?
1. ​Who is cheering you on?
2. Who wants you to strike out?
3. Who is part of your team?
4. How are they supporting and encouraging you?
5. Who are your coaches and how do they motivate and bring out the best in you?
6. How does it feel in your batter’s box?
7. Do you need to make some changes to your stance?
​8. What are you thinking when you step into the batter’s box?
9. Is your fear of striking out so great that you just stand there, frozen, as the pitched balls fly by you, hoping they are called balls and not strikes?
10. Are you so scared of being hurt that you back out of the box on each pitch?
11. Do you lack confidence in yourself so you find yourself closing your eyes and swinging wildly at any pitch?​

As you move through this week, notice all of the children who are taking to the fields with their gloves, bats and balls. Let those images be a reminder to you to take some time to reflect on your life and what it is like in your batter’s box.
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How can you regain your confidence, drown out the negative noise behind you, lean in, keep your eye on the ball and smash it out of the park?

My therapy sessions with my patients have grown heavy once again — especially for my patients that work in healthcare.

Day after day they share, with tear filled eyes, their overwhelming fatigue. They stare blankly ahead at the telehealth screen as they describe lying awake night after night, too exhausted and overwhelmed to find sleep.

Each patient and their story is different but the common theme is the same — burnout.

Complete and total burnout.

So many question their career choice — for many of them have felt failed by their employers.

So many question their own humanity — for they now dread going to work and being around people.

So many question their future — for the passion that they once felt for their work is now nowhere to be found.

Like so many of us they are crawling, bruised and broken, toward some nebulous finish line on the horizon.

Sometimes as we near the end of a session, they will stop me and ask me if I am doing ok.

“How are YOU managing it all?”

They are caregivers by nature and struggle to keep the focus on themselves-even during their own therapy session.

But I think they are mostly looking for signs of hope.

Hope is what is missing most now.

Hope is what is needed most now.

In times of great sorrow, loss, and tragedy it is hope that keeps us tethered to our life and to each other.

Hope that something and someone can be consistent.

Hope for brighter days.

Hope for rest.

Hope for passions to be reborn.

Hope to enjoy the world again.

Hope to make it to tomorrow.

As you crawl toward the finish line right now, find hope.

Find it anywhere you can.

And hold onto it.

“You’re one of the strongest moms I know. If you can’t do it, I can’t either.”

My friend’s words jumped out of the text at me, hitting me right in the gut. That negative voice in my head, always lurking just beneath the surface, was quick to question her view of me. 

How could it be that someone sees me as strong when lately all I feel is weak, a growing sense that I am a failure, and the notion that I am shrinking away from everyone?

Originally published on Her View From Home. Click HERE for full article.