I’ve lost count how many days this week have been gray, rainy, and raw - just like I’ve lost count how many days now I have woken with similar weather in my heart and in my brain.

Today I woke with hope in my heart that the sun would make its appearance and start to warm up all the cold

It didn’t.
The coldness was still there - inside and out.

I took a deep breath in and focused my ears to see if I could hear even a faint whisper of hope from some brave little bird announcing that things would soon be better.

I couldn’t.
All I could hear was the sadness and the rain.

I closed my eyes and steadied my thoughts to try to find the good in the world - the good that always exists even in the bleakest of times. But as soon as I picked up my phone and took stock of the state of things, the good started fading away. I tried to hold tightly and will it to stay.

It wouldn’t.
The negativity rang louder than the positivity just like most other days lately.

And so, instead I did the things that often counteract the world when it is gray and cold and drowning me.

I tried to protect myself from the stormy elements - inside and out. Like an umbrella protecting me from the rain, I turned inward and hoped it would be enough to help me avoid the words and weather that would sting me.

It wasn’t.
Like side swept rain which is no match for even the biggest umbrella, the storm found me anyways.

I enveloped myself in things that usually make me feel warm and safe, like weather proof boots and a warm rain jacket. I tried to rely on external comforts to make me feel full and strong enough to withstand the storm.

They didn’t.
I still felt weak and powerless and cold.

I decided all I could was my best.

I could do my best to stay standing.
I could do my best to not let myself break completely.
I could do my best to hang on to at least a tiny shred of hope.
I could do my best to believe that at some point the sadness and hopelessness and frustration and coldness will pass.
I could do my best to just keep going.

And so, I did.

Because I know eventually the clouds will run out of rain and the ugliness will move on again.

And eventually, the sun and the warmth and light and hope that come with it will return.

It always will. ​

The other night I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook when a post caught my eye.

The post talked about how despite it being summer weather still for the author, it was September and so she was going to lean all the way in to all things Autumn.

"Good for you!" I silently cheered as I read the post.

But, then I kept reading and quickly found myself shaking my head.

The author went on to state how September and October are for fall things, November is only for Thanksgiving things, and Christmas things can't be celebrated or acknowledged until December 1st.

It was a rule, she said.

Listen folks, none of us need that kind of negative energy in our life.

If you want to decorate your house for fall on June 1st, go for it.

If you want to wait to decorate for Christmas until December 10th, go for it.

Life is too short, too stressful, too structured, and too messy to put stringent parameters around the things that make us happy and bring us joy.

So, do what makes you happy and let others do what makes them happy. Your neighbor's Christmas tree in October or your online friend's pumpkin throw blanket in July really don't impact you or your own happiness.

You don't need anyone else's permission to go ahead and lean in to fall right now, or dive head first back in to summer, or pull those Christmas lights out of the attic, or even go ahead and put out some red and pink hearts for Valentine's day.

Live your life.

Find your happy.

Let others do the same. ​

​“Oh look. Superwoman is back.”

I could barely make out the sound over the workout music blasting in my headphones but as I turned to find the source of the muffled words, I realized they had been directed at me.

I locked eyes with the elderly woman beside me and reached up to click the headphone sound off so I could clarify what she had said.

I could feel the defensiveness starting to rise in my chest.

She motioned to the weight stack on the leg machine I was using and said “you’re like a superwoman. How can you do weights that heavy?”

She sat down at the machine beside me, adjusted the weights, and pointed at her own weight stack sighing “I can barely do this little bit and you did all that the other day.”

Suddenly everything shifted into focus.

I realized that I had misread this woman a few days earlier when she had been waiting for one of the machines I was using. Her exasperated sighs that day hadn’t been about me taking too long or being too sweaty or using a machine she wanted. They were because she felt badly about her limitations.

She had been in her own head, beating herself up with negative self talk.

She had no way of knowing that just a few minutes earlier I was feeling exasperated with my own limitations too and was convinced that she was repulsed and irritated by me.

With my newfound insight, I leaned over to her and whispered, “You’re a superwoman too, you know. Just being here is hard.”

She softened, smiled, and did a set on her machine before taking a deep breath.

“You know,” she said, “I’m actually recovering from a stroke and a triple bypass. I’m trying to get back to being healthy.”

Talk about a superwoman, right?

We spent the next few minutes chatting in-between sets as each of us completed our own superwomanly workout and shared some of the struggles of our lives - her looking back wistfully at my current stage of life and me looking forward in awe at hers.

As we parted ways, I couldn’t help but be moved by the irony of our shared experiences with self doubt and negative self talk.

Both of us had dragged ourselves to the gym on a Monday morning, feeling badly about ourselves and envious of the other women around us.

Women we thought were stronger,

skinnier,

faster,

healthier,

prettier,

and overall, better.

We had looked around us and saw a bunch of superwomen and in the mirror only saw a fraud.

But, for those few moments today both of us seemed to realize that maybe we did have a little bit of a superwoman in us.

Because there is a superwoman in all of us - fighting our own demons, pushing through our own challenges, and fighting towards our own goals.

Maybe it’s time to stop beating ourselves up and start lifting ourselves up instead.

And maybe as we start to lift ourselves up, we could also lift up our gaze and make connections with the other superwomen around us.

Because they are everywhere.

Even within.

Recently we got to sneak away to New Hampshire with family.


We were excited for some fun in the sun but the weather didn’t seem to care about our outdoor plans. Instead, we saw lots and lots of rain. Lots.


So, we spent a lot of time playing board games, watching movies, and doing multiple 300–1000 piece puzzles.

As I watched our family of 10 in their puzzle process, I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between the puzzles and life.

A couple of us would start a puzzle and together we’d sort through the edges and inside pieces.  Sometimes we talked. Sometimes we sat in silence. As people got tired, they’d simply walk away from the table. No one yelled for them to come back when they left and no one felt hurt when others needed a break. Sometimes someone else would jump right in to take their place and pick up where they left off. Sometimes the seat would stay empty for a bit. Sometimes we’d realize that one of us was sharper at night and one of us was sharper in the morning. Sometimes we’d realize that one of us was better at finding the edges and one of us was better at finding sections that fit together. Sometimes we’d realize that someone with fresh eyes was needed.


Somehow, without fighting, without strategizing, and without giving up, we worked together to finish those puzzles.

And that’s the key to life right?

We need to work together with our people to solve the problems in front of us.

Because life has a funny way of not going our way.

Sometimes our people need to walk away from our puzzle for a bit. Sometimes someone is there to jump right in. Sometimes things feel quiet and there’s no progress for a bit. Sometimes some people are better equipped than others. But eventually, piece by piece, things get figured out and put together in the right way. 


And a 1000 piece puzzle, just like life, is always easier when you have support.
​

And life, just like a 1000 piece puzzle, can benefit from trusting in the people on your team.

I’m not sure how it happened but here I am about to celebrate my 43rd birthday. While I certainly haven’t figured out all of life’s secrets, I have learned my fair share of important lessons, leaving me feeling much more balanced, fulfilled, and hopeful today than I have ever felt as I approached any of my other birthdays. 


So, in honor of my 43rd birthday, I give you 44 (1 for each year plus 1 for good luck) of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far: 

In no particular order:
​

1. Don’t borrow anxiety from the future. It’s simply not a good investment of your time.
2. Your biggest enemy is you. In the words of Milli Vanilli (or whoever really wrote their songs), you know it’s true.
3. You can either make changes or make excuses. Change is one of the hardest things we can do in life which is why we resist it so much.
4. Choose people who choose you. You aren’t for everyone and not everyone is for you — when you choose each other mutually, that’s the good stuff.
5. Nachos and tacos make almost anything better. They are pure magic and I will never turn them down.
6. Make time to rest and recharge — it won’t just happen magically. You make time and plans for everything and everyone else, it’s time to do it for yourself too.
7. Perfection is a myth. So, let’s stop chasing after it as if it’s attainable.
8. You are not responsible for other people’s happiness. You aren’t — even if they think you are.
9. Never underestimate the power of an unexpected text or phone call. You might be someone’s last hope.
10. You don’t have to fight every battle. It’s ok to let others fight the battles sometimes too.
11. It’s ok to not be ok. Part of being human is having feelings and sometimes those feelings are just plain painful.
12. Closure does not exist. Much like perfection, it’s a myth we keep trying to chase.
13. Real friends don’t keep score. Real friends understand that sometimes we just can’t show up as the best versions of ourselves — and they love us anyway.
14. Don’t give other people’s opinions of you more attention than they deserve. You are never going to please everyone or make everyone like you — stop trying.
15. Sometimes you just have to feel your feelings. All of them-even the ugly ones. If you don’t feel them, I promise you at some point they will spill out anyway.
16. Don’t drink cheap tequila. Just don’t do it. Spend the extra money for the good stuff.
17. You can hear a lot by listening to the silence. It can be uncomfortable to sit in that silent space but so much can be heard there.
18. An authentic life requires vulnerability and risk. Being authentic can be terrifying but the rewards are worth it.
19. Your mistakes do not define you — how you correct them does. We all make mistakes — how we respond is what matters most.
20. Real is better than perfect. Remember that perfection doesn’t exist. Show up as your real self.
21. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some hurts are just too big.
22. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is to just listen. How nice does it feel when others give us space and just listen? Let’s remember to do that for others. 
23. The best investment to make is in yourself. YOU are an investment that is worth the return.
24. Parenting teenagers is equal parts trying to hold on and trying to let go. It’s a constant struggle between the two sides.
25. It’s ok to be proud of yourself. Let’s stop pretending like it’s rude to be proud of ourselves-your accomplishments are worth sharing and celebrating!
26. Your worth is not determined by others. Your worth is determined by you and by you alone.
27. People will treat you how you let them treat you. Stop letting people walk all over you.
28. A little bit of kindness can make a lot of impact. A tiny bit of kindness can brighten someone’s entire week.
29. What you think you know about someone’s situation is never the full story. We never know the full story about someone else’s life-especially when we think we do.
30. It’s ok to walk away from toxicity. In fact, it’s necessary for survival.
31. Not everyone is going to like you — and it’s ok. Once you accept this fact life becomes a whole lot easier.
32. Life’s uncomfortable moments can be where we grow the most. These moments are where so much learning can occur.
33. Self-care is not selfish. Making time to care for yourself sometimes means putting yourself first-that doesn’t make it selfish.
34. No is a complete sentence. You don’t always owe others an explanation.
35. Sometimes the best way to create space for your teen to talk with you is to get in the car and drive with them. Something truly magical happens every time.
36. When you seek approval from everyone else, you lose sight of the real you. Stop twisting yourself into a pretzel to make everyone happy. 
37. When in doubt, reach out. If you are thinking of someone, let them know.
38. There is beauty in the simple. Sometimes less is more.
39. You have to look for the glimmers of hope — always. They are always there-sometimes we just have to work harder to find them.
40. Celebrate the little moments — they become the big moments. Life is really all about our individual collections of beautiful little moments that tell the full story of our lives.
41. Lean in to the things that scare you. Sometimes those are the things we need most.
42. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s more than ok-it’s necessary.
43. Don’t believe the lies your depression and anxiety tell you. They will tell you so many lies-you don’t have to believe them.
44. We all are works in progress. So let’s show each other and ourselves a bit more grace.

For more more inspiration and motivation, sign up for my weekly newsletter at https://changingperspectivesonline.us17.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=d1470984f627398657137dfde&id=094d38189a

Today was one of those days.

You know what I mean when I say "those days" because we all have them.

Those days are the worst.

Today was filled with dogs who found some sort of exciting thing in our fenced-in backyard and did not want to come inside, leaving me schlepping around my backyard in my pjs with a container of deli meat trying to reason with an 8 year old stubborn pup.

Today was filled with ransacking the laundry room to find the game jersey that had to be worn to school today - only to realize that it had been left in the other parent's vehicle and was nowhere near us.

Today was filled with my freshly washed favorite post-workout hoodie smelling like old cooked food when I pulled it out of my bag, rendering it useless.

Today was filled with finding evidence of mice in my kitchen as I was rushing to prepare a birthday cake.

Today was filled with yet another Facebook Marketplace buyer backing out last minute.

Today was filled with still not knowing what time my son's practice is ending today and scrambling to arrange a pick up that would not interfere with our work schedules.

All of this was before 10am.

Naturally I felt all of the feelings.

I wanted to scream into my pillow. I wanted to cry out of frustsration. I wanted to send angry messages. I wanted to cancel my patients and crawl back into bed.

But, instead, I took 3 deep breaths and considered how I could reframe my morning.

Sure, my morning was filled with all of the things that make up one of "those days."

But, it was also filled with so much more.

It was filled with trashcans already at the curb, placed there lovingly by my husband before he left for work.

It was filled with an adventurous pup who just a few months ago had a cancer diagnosis and might not have been here right now were it not for his great doctor.

It was filled with the knowledge that tomorrow we get to celebrate a birthday with my favorite people in the whole world - people who love my boys with all their heart.

It was filled with back to back appointments with patients who show up regularly for their therapy appointments and commit to the hard work of self discovery and growth.

It was filled with reassuring phone calls from my husband with a plan for our new little mice friends.

It was filled with check-ins from good friends who make it a point to just reach out and say hi.

For all the annoying parts that made this morning one of “those days,” there were even more parts that made it a good day.

Listen, I’m not someone who believes in “choosing happiness” or not allowing yourself to feel the crappy feelings.

When you have a morning like I did today, it’s completely normal and acceptable to feel all the feelings about it.

But then we have to look for the good parts.

Even if they are hard to find.

Even if there aren’t a lot of them.

I promise there are always some good parts. There is always some glimmer of hope to hold on to.

Let those good parts be what defines your day, not the other things.

So, yes, today was one of “those days” - those days where lots of stuff went wrong.

But it was also one of “those days” - those days where I get to count my blessings and lean in to all the glimmers of hope.
​

As I neared my 40s, so many of the women around me who were already 40 were proclaiming a newfound sense of self.

They spoke about how they didn’t care what others thought of them anymore—sharing that it was as if some sort of epiphany suddenly released them from the burdensome weight of other people’s opinions once they reached the magical age of 40.

Hallelujah! Bring on 40! That sounds fabulous!

But, here I am, already 16 months into my 40s, and I can’t find the promised life-changing insight anywhere. There were no epiphanies that greeted me on my 40th birthday. There has been no increase in self-confidence. None of the magic I was promised has kicked in.

This isn’t how 40 was supposed to be.

I expected to roll up to my 40s, throw on some fabulous shades, and be able to let all the crap others might sling my way simply roll off my shoulders. At least, that’s the idea I was sold by so many of the women around me.

I want my money back.

Even at the age of 41, I am still crushed to the core by other’s negative opinions of me. Essentially, I am still the 14-year-old version of me. Yes, behind the wrinkles in my forehead, the crow’s feet around my eyes, and the sparkly grey hairs that frame my face is a girl who just wants everyone to understand she is a good person. She doesn’t need everyone to like her, approve of her, or even want to spend time with her, but man, does she need others to believe she is a good person — one who does not lie, steal, cheat, or deliberately hurt others.

Surely those insecurities were supposed to fade once I hit the age of 40, right? But, they are still there, sometimes louder than ever.

I keep telling that teenager inside my brain to ask herself So what if someone misunderstands you, talks about you negatively behind your back, accuses you of something you simply did not do, or even posts completely false information about you online? But my inner teenager always rolls her eyes at me, sighs, and gets stuck. She gets stuck on wondering if there is anything she can do to convince people of who she really is or to convince them the information they received about her is wrong. She gets stuck wondering how many other people believe she isn’t a good person.

This isn’t how 40 was supposed to be.

Life was supposed to change drastically for the better, leaving a fresher and more confident version of myself, poised to tackle my 40s like a boss. But, it really doesn’t feel much different here in my 40s, aside from increased joint pain and needing to cover my greys more frequently.

This can’t be it. There must be more. I must be missing something or doing my 40s all wrong.
​
I watch in awe as my youngest son navigates the world with confidence, able to brush off other people’s views of him swiftly and effortlessly. It’s an ability I thought I would find for myself once I turned 40. Somehow he has already mastered what it means to be 40 at the ripe old age of 11. He lives fully, without holding back. He is who he is and if people don’t like it, he doesn’t care.

I thought the theme of my 40s would be pretty similar to how my 11-year-old lives his life: I am who I am and if people don’t like it, I don’t care. How can I make that my mantra? How can I find for myself the changes I thought would come with last year’s birthday?

Perhaps my 40s haven’t gone the way I thought they would because I’m still holding back. Maybe I am still holding back who I really am, afraid to just let the real me be free for all to see. Perhaps I am holding back what I really want to say, do, or even be. Could I be holding back pieces of myself so there is less of me to be unfairly judged?

I’ve had 41 years to figure all this out, and I suppose if I want my 40s to be the way I envisioned them, it’s up to me to do something about it.

I have to be more like my 11-year-old and less like my inner 14-year-old. I have to stop holding back. I have to put the real me out there and learn to be a fabulous version of myself who just lets negativity roll off me. After all, the people who matter are the people who know me, the people who have my back, the people who see the real me, and the people who believe in me. If others choose to misunderstand me, that’s on them.

So, today I’ll go buy some fabulous shades, toss my sparkly hair back, and begin facing the world like the 40-something-year-old boss I know I can be.

Watch out world, I’m in my 40s now, and I’m going to start living my life for me.

This piece was originally published on 12/3/20 on Her View From Home.