Changing Perspectives
  • Home
  • Welcome
  • Blog
    • Grief
    • Mental Health/Wellness
    • Parenting
    • Relationships
  • Podcast
  • Grief Guide
  • Grief E-Book
  • Inspirational Gifts
  • Newsletter
Mental Health and Wellness Articles

Categories

All
Addiction
Anxiety
Balance
Boundaries
Change
Children
Confidence
COVID 19
Depression
Essential Oils
Family Time
Health
Holidays
Hope
Isagenix
Loneliness
Memories
Motivation
Nutrition
Perspectives
Printables
Relaxation
Resilience
Self Care
Self Esteem
Stress Relief
Trauma
Travel

I Lost It Today

9/17/2020

0 Comments

 
Picture
I lost it this morning.

The weight of the past 6 months caught up with me.

Again.

My favorite time of the year — the reset provided by fall and back to school — finally made it to my house, albeit 3 weeks later than usual.

It’s my annual chance to reorganize my life, my routines, my systems, and my brain. New clothes for the boys for back to school, expanded hours for my clients, new classes for me to teach at the college level, and evenings spent on a sports field watching my boys play their favorite game usually fill my life this time of year.

Of course, none of that happened this year.

But today did mark the start of the in-person portion of the school year for my boys — the first time my oldest would step foot inside the high school as a student, not a visitor, and the same for my youngest at the middle school. It was kind of a big deal.

But, I lost it.

I slept through my first alarm and spent the rest of the morning playing catch up, racing through our morning to do list with one eye on the clock because they couldn’t be late — not on their first day.

Then the negative thoughts started.

I felt the weight and guilt of having to turn yet another handful of interested clients away because I cannot increase my hours this fall due to at-home schooling 3 days/week.

The state of disarray that is my house with backpacks, school supplies, masks, half-finished projects, dog toys, and a weird blend of clean and dirty clothes was all I could see everywhere I turned.

The bickering on social media flashed before my eyes as I absentmindedly scrolled through my feed while waiting for my tea to steep. Negativity and stress was everywhere this morning.

When I went to wake up my now middle schooler for his first day of school, I found the grumpy, moody, developmentally appropriate but patience-testing version of him before me.

I lost it.

Everything boiled over.

The doubts about whether this hybrid model is the right choice for him, whether this school was the right choice for him, whether this town was the right choice for him, it all rushed to the surface and I yelled.

I lost it.

I imposed an early bedtime, said I would take away all electronics, took away his option to walk home from school today, and I cried.

Today was our big day as a family and I lost it.

I failed to see that everything I was feeling, he probably was also feeling.

Six long months without being in school. Six long months of hearing about this virus. Six long months without the routine and structure that had filled most of his 12 years on this planet.

He doesn’t want this. He wants the world back to the way it was. He wants to play football. He wants to go to school full time with ALL of his friends. He wants to ride the bus while sharing a seat with his friend. He wants to sit across from his friends at a lunch table.

I failed to recognize all of that this morning and instead focused on how he wanted to wear ratty sweatpants with a hole in the knee to school and had a negative, grumpy attitude.

We were sure to say I love you and hug goodbye after our meltdowns but there were no cheerful first day of school photos for him.

Because I lost it.

We all have mornings like I had today — mornings where everything feels rushed and wrong and the choices you make are just the wrong ones. The guilt from those wrong choices is heavy and thick and can stick with us long after the bad moments have passed.

The truth is, no amount of “hold onto hope,” “be patient,” “give it time,” or “find the bright spot” memes or stories can actually take the stress of reality away. Sometimes life is just hard and it all catches up to you, washing over you like a gigantic rogue wave. Sometimes you just have to feel your feelings. I guess this morning was one of those times for him and for me.

So, what do you do after you lose it? What do you do when you regret the choices you have made as a parent, a partner, a friend, a worker?

Sure, I could sit in this guilt and negativity all day but that will probably only set off a whole big chain of further negativity. Today I choose to reflect on it, learn from it, take ownership for my actions, and reset.

Tomorrow is another day and I will try my best to do better, to be better.

Also, maybe I will set a back up alarm.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Mental Health & Wellness

    Now, more than ever, we all need a little support to help get us through the rough spots. With all the pressures of life, it can be a challenge to find time to not only take care of yourself but also to truly understand who you even are anymore.

    Click here for Changing Perspectives Podcast Episodes on Mental Health and Wellness

    Archives

    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    November 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    November 2019
    October 2019
    August 2019
    May 2019
    March 2019
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    September 2016
    July 2016

    Categories

    All
    Addiction
    Anxiety
    Balance
    Boundaries
    Change
    Children
    Confidence
    COVID 19
    Depression
    Essential Oils
    Family Time
    Health
    Holidays
    Hope
    Isagenix
    Loneliness
    Memories
    Motivation
    Nutrition
    Perspectives
    Printables
    Relaxation
    Resilience
    Self Care
    Self Esteem
    Stress Relief
    Trauma
    Travel

    RSS Feed

home
WELCOME
*NEW* BOOK
BLOG
PODCAST
SHOP
mini E-book
SIGN-UP

Sign Up For the Changing Perspectives Newsletter

Changing Perspectives Copyright © 2020 ​
Picture
  • Home
  • Welcome
  • Blog
    • Grief
    • Mental Health/Wellness
    • Parenting
    • Relationships
  • Podcast
  • Grief Guide
  • Grief E-Book
  • Inspirational Gifts
  • Newsletter