Today I let myself cry

Today I cried at the gym.

Not because I fell and sprained my ankle trying to do pull ups. (No, that happened 18 months ago.)

Not because I hate the way I look in the mirror. (No, I’m trying to be kinder to myself.)

Not because someone corrected my form. (No, that happened last week.)

Today I cried because of a song.

Yes, a song.

We all have those songs, right?

The ones that can hit us in all the feels if the timing is right.

The ones that can flood us with memories as soon as we hear that first note.

The ones that make us feel completely alive with emotions with just a single verse.

And for a few miles as I climbed quick and steep hills on a treadmill, I let myself feel it all.

The helplessness.
The sadness.
The jealousy.
The regret.
The anger.
The worry.
The guilt.
The rage.

I didn’t push the hard feelings away - because if we do that too often the negative feelings build up and eventually seep out sideways.

Instead, I let the feelings wash over me like a wave of raw emotion.

And right there on the treadmill, I cried.

Tears mixed with sweat as I pushed up the incline higher and bumped up my pace.

Step and step.
Song after song.
Mile after mile.

I let myself lean in to all the heavy and hard feelings in my life.

Then as I brought the treadmill back to zero incline and slowed my pace, I pushed myself to find the glimmers of hope.

I forced myself to consider all that is good in my life and in the world right now.

I let myself lean in to the things that bring my life light and laughter, despite the times of darkness.

Suddenly my tears were no long tears of heaviness but tears of gratitude - for no matter how much darkness surrounds us, light always finds a way back in.

Always.