Sometimes you will be too much for people.
Sometimes you won’t be enough. Sometimes they will find you too sensitive Sometimes they’ll say you are too insensitive. Sometimes you will make decisions that hurt others. Sometimes the decisions of others will hurt you. Sometimes you will be lonely. Sometimes you will wish for solitude. Sometimes you will feel like all eyes are on you. Sometimes you will feel invisible. Sometimes the people you need to cheer you on won’t be there. Sometimes people around you will shout things that aren’t true. Sometimes you will feel too focused on a goal. Sometimes you will feel lost and directionless. Sometimes you will lie awake at night unable to find sleep. Sometimes you will crawl under the covers, afraid to face the world. Sometimes. Not all the time. Sometimes you will feel valued, seen, and appreciated, despite your flawed parts. Sometimes you will find your confidence, support, and direction. Sometimes you will be at peace and rest easily at night. Through all the sometimes, there will be constants to hold on to. You matter. Your life has meaning. You are not alone. Tomorrow is always a new day. Sometimes you just need to hold on.
0 Comments
Life is messy today.
Right now from my home office window, I can see the first snow of the season as it drifts gently down into my backyard — a backyard that still is somehow straddling not just summer and fall but now also winter. The hammock that I like to lounge in on hot summer days is still sitting under my favorite tree. That favorite tree is still in the process of shedding its vibrant orange and red leaves, many of which now cover my backyard. Summer, fall, and winter are alive in my backyard-all at once. My yard is in the space between. The space where nothing is clear. The space of messy overlap. My life feels like it is in that messy space too. My kids are remote learners but also attend school in person a few days each week. I am working full time but I haven’t seen the inside of my actual office in months. I am exhausted but also cannot sleep. I am content but also cry at the drop of a hat. I am hopeful but also anxious. I feel loved but also lonely. I long for the warmth of summer but also enjoy the forced hibernation winter brings. I crave connection but also need time to be alone. I am like my backyard — messy, unclear, and clinging to different seasons all at once. Today I will embrace the beauty that this in-between space brings. Today I will marvel at the scene of summer, fall, and winter co-existing in one messy space. One beautiful messy space. Sometimes there is beauty in the mess. Even my mess. Even yours too. Today my laptop crashed.
In the middle of my workday, with 27 tabs open as I balanced insurance billing, reviewed new client documents, read emails from my children’s teachers, and did some online shopping before my Kohls cash expires, my laptop was like “Nah. Peace out. I’m done.” I have never identified more with a machine than I did in that moment. It reached its limit. It simply had too many internet tabs, excel documents, word documents, sticky notes, and programs running all at once. It just couldn’t do it anymore. How many of you can relate? How many of you, right now, are at the end of your rope? How many of you feel like you can’t do it anymore either. My laptop and I are right there with you! As I sat staring at the screen, unable to engage the mouse, or the escape button, or any reset tricks, I realized that I had no choice. I had to force my laptop to reset. As I pushed the power button, sending the laptop into its power down mode, I felt a twinge of jealousy. How lovely would it be to power down right now? How nice would it be for someone to walk in and say to me: “You need to reset. I’m shutting everything down for you and giving you a chance to catch your breath and restart.” I’m quite sure a lot of you can relate. As a psychotherapist, I get to have some insight of how people, in general, are doing. You know what, the pulse check right now is pretty concerning. People’s lives are filled with stress, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness right now. So many people have a million tabs open at a time and are completely overloading their operating systems, at risk of crashing at any minute. Don’t be like my laptop. Don’t wait until you have no choice but to shut down. Take a break now. Close some of your open tabs. Schedule a reboot. Give yourself a break. Recognize that we all need a break and if you don’t schedule one for yourself, eventually you will just get stuck and need a forced reset — probably in the middle of some important project or at the worst time possible. Take a few minutes, maybe right now, but at least soon, to figure out how to prevent your own crash. Today I painted my nails two different colors.
I know. I’m sure some of you are thinking “Girl, what’s the big deal? I paint my nails ten different colors each week!” But when you are like me, you get comfortable with being comfortable. You don’t stray too much over the lines. You avoid change. You order the same meals at the same restaurants. You watch the same tv shows over and over again. You wear the same clothes week after week — often buying the same shirts and pants in different colors and sometimes in the same colors because you know you like them. You look for the predictable, the routine, the ordinary — especially in the midst of a pandemic. Those ordinary things became a lifeline for me this year. As the world outside me swirled into chaos over the last several months, I leaned into the things I could control and the things I could predict. I responded to the daily uncertainty of our lives by choosing to live my life in comfort, a space that sometimes felt like control. But today I leaned a bit out of my comfort zone. I embraced something unpredictable and different. I chose change. Yes, today I remembered that even though it’s safe and cozy sometimes to live inside the lines, sometimes the things that make us feel secure are actually the things that hold us back from living life to its fullest. So, to those of you out there coping like me — by choosing order, predictability, and ordinary — today might be a good day to stray just a bit outside the lines. I can’t promise that you won’t regret it but I can promise that it’s an important exercise. Hey you out there, the woman holding back who she really is, stop.
It’s ok to step into your light. It’s ok to show up and be yourself. It’s ok to finally figure out who your real people are. It’s ok to want more, ask for more, need more. It’s ok to be the person you really are. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to break a little, feel lost, and struggle with the next steps. It’s ok to make changes in your life. It’s ok to be vulnerable. It’s ok to acknowledge that life is sometimes really freaking hard. It’s ok to be 100% you. It’s ok to be proud of yourself. It’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to be ok. Silence.
It’s hard to find these days. I don’t think it’s been here for over 6 months. Between the kids and 2 parents working from home and 3 noisy dogs and 2 cats (or 4 dogs and 1 cat if you count the cat that thinks she is a dog), this house is very loud. Silence here is simply not a thing. Sometimes I can sneak away and soak in the bathtub while the bathroom fan drowns out the noise of dogs barking, video games being shouted at, pianos being played, cats knocking stuff off tables, and dishes being washed. In those moments, I can almost hear silence. But tonight I found silence that I didn’t know I was missing. After my oldest and I ate dinner, he left the kitchen to take a shower. My youngest and my husband were out running an errand. The dogs were sleeping peacefully with their recently full bellies. I have no idea where the cats were but they were quiet. Work was done. TVs and radios were off. The street was empty. All I could hear was the gentle humming of the ice machine and the soft snores of the dogs. Rather than getting up to do the dishes or flip over the laundry or sort the mail or prep backpacks for tomorrow, I sat. I took in the silence. I breathed in the silence, allowing myself to be fully present for the first time all week. I felt the chair legs beneath my feet (because I’m short). I felt the smoothness of the kitchen island built by my family during the height of quarantine. I felt the air fill my allergy-induced asthma lungs and took my first full deep breath all day. I felt my mind wander but I brought it back each time to focus on my breathing and the sounds of the silence. I sat fully present in that moment for as long as it lasted. Gradually the silence was filled. The ice machine dumped its newly formed tray of ice. The shower turned on in the bathroom down the hall. A car pulled down the street, waking two dogs, causing one of them to bark and the other one to tip tap up and down the hallway, her way of asking to be let outside. As I stood to do those dishes and flip over that laundry and sort that mail and pack those backpacks, I noticed a lightness inside. The weight I had been carrying all week was lighter, somehow made less heavy just by being in the silence. Then I remembered an important fact about me. Silence refuels me. It recharges me. It recenters me. But silence is hard to find. Tonight I remember that I have to try harder to find it, even if I have to find it in some stolen moments at a kitchen island. I lost it this morning.
The weight of the past 6 months caught up with me. Again. My favorite time of the year — the reset provided by fall and back to school — finally made it to my house, albeit 3 weeks later than usual. It’s my annual chance to reorganize my life, my routines, my systems, and my brain. New clothes for the boys for back to school, expanded hours for my clients, new classes for me to teach at the college level, and evenings spent on a sports field watching my boys play their favorite game usually fill my life this time of year. Of course, none of that happened this year. But today did mark the start of the in-person portion of the school year for my boys — the first time my oldest would step foot inside the high school as a student, not a visitor, and the same for my youngest at the middle school. It was kind of a big deal. But, I lost it. I slept through my first alarm and spent the rest of the morning playing catch up, racing through our morning to do list with one eye on the clock because they couldn’t be late — not on their first day. Then the negative thoughts started. I felt the weight and guilt of having to turn yet another handful of interested clients away because I cannot increase my hours this fall due to at-home schooling 3 days/week. The state of disarray that is my house with backpacks, school supplies, masks, half-finished projects, dog toys, and a weird blend of clean and dirty clothes was all I could see everywhere I turned. The bickering on social media flashed before my eyes as I absentmindedly scrolled through my feed while waiting for my tea to steep. Negativity and stress was everywhere this morning. When I went to wake up my now middle schooler for his first day of school, I found the grumpy, moody, developmentally appropriate but patience-testing version of him before me. I lost it. Everything boiled over. The doubts about whether this hybrid model is the right choice for him, whether this school was the right choice for him, whether this town was the right choice for him, it all rushed to the surface and I yelled. I lost it. I imposed an early bedtime, said I would take away all electronics, took away his option to walk home from school today, and I cried. Today was our big day as a family and I lost it. I failed to see that everything I was feeling, he probably was also feeling. Six long months without being in school. Six long months of hearing about this virus. Six long months without the routine and structure that had filled most of his 12 years on this planet. He doesn’t want this. He wants the world back to the way it was. He wants to play football. He wants to go to school full time with ALL of his friends. He wants to ride the bus while sharing a seat with his friend. He wants to sit across from his friends at a lunch table. I failed to recognize all of that this morning and instead focused on how he wanted to wear ratty sweatpants with a hole in the knee to school and had a negative, grumpy attitude. We were sure to say I love you and hug goodbye after our meltdowns but there were no cheerful first day of school photos for him. Because I lost it. We all have mornings like I had today — mornings where everything feels rushed and wrong and the choices you make are just the wrong ones. The guilt from those wrong choices is heavy and thick and can stick with us long after the bad moments have passed. The truth is, no amount of “hold onto hope,” “be patient,” “give it time,” or “find the bright spot” memes or stories can actually take the stress of reality away. Sometimes life is just hard and it all catches up to you, washing over you like a gigantic rogue wave. Sometimes you just have to feel your feelings. I guess this morning was one of those times for him and for me. So, what do you do after you lose it? What do you do when you regret the choices you have made as a parent, a partner, a friend, a worker? Sure, I could sit in this guilt and negativity all day but that will probably only set off a whole big chain of further negativity. Today I choose to reflect on it, learn from it, take ownership for my actions, and reset. Tomorrow is another day and I will try my best to do better, to be better. Also, maybe I will set a back up alarm. This past weekend I ran away. I took my family north for one last trip to the mountains to take a break before the next chapter of 2020 begins.
There were lots of reasons to not take the trip. My pet sitter wasn't available. The hotel cost more than I wanted to spend. The weather wasn't going to be great. Covid-19 is still a thing and would prevent us from doing the things we usually like to do up there. It would have been easier to stay home, save money, and try again another time. But, we went anyways. It was the right decision. On our final day up there, we stopped for ice cream. My eye fell to the homemade chocolate chocolate chip flavor on the menu. Once again, there were many reasons not to order it. I just worked hard to lose 10 pounds in August. I would probably only eat three bites before declaring it too sweet. I would probably get a tummy ache. But, I ordered it anyways. It was the right decision. A few minutes later, my family of 4 sat at a picnic table overlooking the mountains as we enjoyed our ice cream and talked about our trip, the upcoming school year, and the start of the football season. Then it hit me. Life is short. I’m so glad we invested in the moment this weekend. I feel recharged and ready for whatever September has in store for us. The weekend was just what we needed. So, what's your ice cream in the mountains going to be this week? What is that one thing you have a million reasons NOT to do but deep down you know it will serve you well? What would it take to make it a reality? Yesterday I stopped.
My gas tank was completely and utterly empty. I had nothing left to give to anyone. I closed my computer. I left the dishes in the sink. I left the the laundry in the baskets. I left the mail on the counter. I left emails unanswered. I left my to do list undone. I laid in my hammock and did nothing but listen to the wind rustling the giant tree in my backyard while two of my dogs ran and played. I pushed away all the “shoulds” and just breathed. And it was glorious. We all need to stop a little more. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I start yet another day at my kitchen table, the place where I now can be found trying my hardest to balance the responsibilities of working from home with parenting two children and attempting to serve as their substitute teacher. Any given morning now finds me tackling clinical documentation and billing for my private therapy practice while helping my 14 year old muddle his way through assignments for 8 different subjects in a now completely digital learning environment while also debating the usefulness of responding to a journal prompt about an abandoned fort with my 5th grader.
Each day begins the same in this new Groundhog Day version of life and as I sit down at the kitchen table, I am keenly aware of the fact that I have less than 90 minutes to get at least some “school time” in for my kids before I completely ditch them and lock myself in my home office for 8 back to back psychotherapy sessions. Sure, I’ll pop out for the 10–15 minutes I have between sessions to refill my water glass, throw some food at my boys, put dogs out for a bathroom break, break up whatever dispute has started between the boys, and maybe even find time for a restroom break myself. Then it’s right back to work — headphones in, camera on, therapeutic space live and on the air. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I hold space for patient after patient who is working on the front lines of the COVID19 crisis. ICU nurses, doctors, and social workers all recounting horrible tales of what they are seeing day after day to me in our sessions. Suddenly my practice has become one filled with trauma work as I help my clients find hope, practice self care, and manage their intense fears of the virus. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I sit virtually with new moms who were already struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression and now have lost many of the lifelines we helped them to establish in our work together before the virus changed our world. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as my email and voicemail inboxes swell with former clients who are reaching out for support in light of what the virus has done to their lives. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I attempt to support patients who finally had achieved pregnancy after years of loss and failed IUD cycles and yet now have to attend doctor’s appointments alone and fear that if things get worse they may even have to deliver their babies without their partner present. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as patient after patient shares their fears about what will happen to them now that they have been laid off or furloughed or are no longer feasibly able to retire in a few months as their funds took too big of a hit. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as friends around me face grief, loss, and challenges completely unrelated to COVID19 — things like the sudden deaths of loved ones, health issues, and relationships coming to an end. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I begin to realize that I feel completely and wholly inadequate — utterly only mediocre in all aspects of my life now. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I wonder how I can possibly be the therapist my clients need when one of my ears is always listening to make sure my boys aren’t calling me to help them with something. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I question how I can be the parent my boys need when every day finds me shut up in my office with instructions for them to only bother me if there’s an emergency. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I worry about how I can be the wife my husband needs when he is continuing to manage a 24 hour/day medical service from home 2–3 days/week and then covering at least two 12–14 hour shifts each week. We are two ships passing in the night and when we finally do get to see each other we both are too emotionally spent to even acknowledge each other’s presence. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I try my best to reach out to my friends and family to offer them support and remind them that they are loved but I find my energy at the end of the day is almost completely nonexistent. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I lie awake in bed each night staring at the ceiling, wondering what will happen to us if one of us catches the virus or if my husband loses his job or if the weight of not being able to play sports and see their friends finally catches up with my boys. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” I remind myself as I realize yet again that if I am struggling this much, imagine how much more painful life is right now for others. “I’m one of the lucky ones and it is still ok to not feel ok right now,” I remind myself. Regardless of our individual circumstances, life right now is hard and is not at all like it used to be. Even if you, like me, are one of the lucky ones in all of this, it’s still ok to admit that our situation sucks right now. It’s ok to feel your feelings and wish that things were better for all of us, even for yourself. It’s ok to remind yourself that even though you may be lucky, you still can be hurting. |
Mental healthNow, more than ever, we all need a little support to help get us through the rough spots. With all the pressures of life, it can be a challenge to find time to not only take care of yourself but also to truly understand who you even are anymore. Archives
July 2023
Categories
All
|