 Photo by Republica on Pixabay I’m not sure how it happened but here I am about to celebrate my 43rd birthday. While I certainly haven’t figured out all of life’s secrets, I have learned my fair share of important lessons, leaving me feeling much more balanced, fulfilled, and hopeful today than I have ever felt as I approached any of my other birthdays.
So, in honor of my 43rd birthday, I give you 44 (1 for each year plus 1 for good luck) of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far: In no particular order:
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 Photo by Pexels on Pixabay Last week I overheard someone telling a friend that they have a “surprise day off tomorrow.” Apparently they requested the day off from work a while ago but can’t remember why. So, it’s just a surprise day for themselves.
A blank day in their daily planner. It got me thinking about how we all could benefit from a surprise day off from whatever stressors and responsibilities are filling our days right now. So, why not make it happen? I can already hear you starting to list a million reasons why not to make it happen but what about all the reasons to try to make it a reality? Take some time and pick a day on the calendar that looks at least sort of open and schedule yourself off from whatever you are typically doing. Go ahead and label it “surprise day off.” Give yourself a blank page in your agenda that day. Don’t fill it with work or chores or caring for others. Leave it open for yourself. Maybe you could go for a long drive alone. Maybe you could have lunch with a friend. Maybe you could sleep in. Maybe you could do something that you find fun. It doesn’t matter as long as it is something for you. And if you can’t swing a whole day off, aim for a half-day or even an hour. Just schedule some time off — even if it takes 6 months to make it happen. Go make it happen. Ask for help from your support network if you need help with covering your responsibilities. Maybe you could even offer to cover for them on their own surprise day off! I promise you that when that “surprise day off” comes around, you’ll be so glad you scheduled it for yourself. (Read Changing Perspectives on Facebook)  Last night I lost it.
I was too tired because I didn’t sleep enough. I was too hungry because I didn’t eat enough. I was too sore after an injury because I didn’t rest enough. I hadn’t done enough. And so, I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t patient enough. I wasn’t understanding enough. I wasn’t trusting enough. I lost it. Tears over nothing. Tears over everything. It may have seemed like it came from nowhere but it came from everywhere. That’s what happens when we don’t give ourselves enough. And the truth is, when we don’t give ourselves enough, we aren’t able to give anyone else enough. Don’t forget to focus on doing enough for yourself. Sometimes that might mean you need to focus on doing less for others. Find the space between selfishness and selflessness and live there. Give yourself enough so you can be enough. (Follow Changing Perspectives on Facebook)  We all have those places in life.
Places we can transport ourselves back to in an instant because they are so deeply woven into the fabric of our souls. We remember every detail about those places. We remember the colors of every wall. We remember the sound of the antique radio playing music every Saturday morning. We remember hanging upside down off the chair in the corner and watching everyone’s feet on the ceiling. We remember the crisp snap of peas and the roughness of corn husks as we prepped the Sunday dinner. We remember how many steps it was from the living room to our bedroom. We remember how that big tree in the front yard cast a long shadow every afternoon. We remember the closets filled with fancy dress shoes and the bureaus filled with makeup. We remember how every spring a family of groundhogs would take up residency under the porch. We remember the peacefulness and stillness of the fresh air at night. We remember everything about those places. Because those places are a part of us. Those places were our foundation. We remember how it felt to feel loved in that place. We remember how it felt to be seen, really seen whenever we were at our place. We remember how it felt to know we were safe and cared for there. We remember because that is where the happy moments of our childhood lived. We remember, and with aching hearts, we miss it. We’d give anything to walk in that front door again. We’d do anything to sit around that kitchen table one more time. We’d trade anything to go back in time and relive just one day in that place. But our places don’t always stay the same. Blue houses turn yellow. Trees get replaced by open spaces. Open spaces get filled in with new houses. People leave us. And those places that once belonged to us someday belong to other people. But they are still OUR places - stored forever in our memories and in our hearts. And no matter how hard this life gets, we can always close our eyes and imagine ourself back in that place. Our place. It will always be our place. (Follow Changing Perspectives on Facebook)  Photo by Jenni Brennan of Changing Perspectives I’m going to let you in on a little secret about change.
Walking away from the things and people that drain your energy is one of the hardest things you can do. Ever. Even if that person or thing leaves you bruised and broken over and over again, making the decision to leave it behind and step towards a life that is more authentically you, is terrifying. Like leaves your palms sweaty, gives you a pit in your stomach, and sends your heart racing - terrifying. You begin to worry about all the people that won’t understand. You start a repetitive loop of all the “what if” scenarios. You decide that it’s just not worth it - change would be too hard. But, sweet reader, I promise you it IS worth it. All of the pain and fear and hard work of walking away from the life you know and walking towards the life you deserve is worth it. I hope that someday you find the courage to take the first step away from the hurt and turn your gaze to the horizon of possibility. A beautiful horizon of possibility - that’s what exists for you once you decide to take your future and your happiness into your own hands and go after the things you want. I promise you that there will be moments where you doubt your decision. There will be moments where you start to turn back towards the pain because the devil you know is greater than the devil you don’t know right? Remember this - there’s only one way to find out. You owe it to yourself in those moments to keep moving forward. Keep moving towards your goals and away from the painful past. Even when it’s hard. Even when it feels uncertain. And someday, hopefully in the not too distant future, you will take a deep breath in for just a moment and catch a glimpse of the life you used to know, a glimpse of the shell of the person you used to be, and you will smile. You will smile and notice that your heart is light, you are surrounded by true support, and you are on the right path - all because you believed you were worthy and took that first step towards change and possibility. (Follow Changing Perspectives on Facebook)  Today was one of those days.
You know what I mean when I say "those days" because we all have them. Those days are the worst. Today was filled with dogs who found some sort of exciting thing in our fenced-in backyard and did not want to come inside, leaving me schlepping around my backyard in my pjs with a container of deli meat trying to reason with an 8 year old stubborn pup. Today was filled with ransacking the laundry room to find the game jersey that had to be worn to school today - only to realize that it had been left in the other parent's vehicle and was nowhere near us. Today was filled with my freshly washed favorite post-workout hoodie smelling like old cooked food when I pulled it out of my bag, rendering it useless. Today was filled with finding evidence of mice in my kitchen as I was rushing to prepare a birthday cake. Today was filled with yet another Facebook Marketplace buyer backing out last minute. Today was filled with still not knowing what time my son's practice is ending today and scrambling to arrange a pick up that would not interfere with our work schedules. All of this was before 10am. Naturally I felt all of the feelings. I wanted to scream into my pillow. I wanted to cry out of frustsration. I wanted to send angry messages. I wanted to cancel my patients and crawl back into bed. But, instead, I took 3 deep breaths and considered how I could reframe my morning. Sure, my morning was filled with all of the things that make up one of "those days." But, it was also filled with so much more. It was filled with trashcans already at the curb, placed there lovingly by my husband before he left for work. It was filled with an adventurous pup who just a few months ago had a cancer diagnosis and might not have been here right now were it not for his great doctor. It was filled with the knowledge that tomorrow we get to celebrate a birthday with my favorite people in the whole world - people who love my boys with all their heart. It was filled with back to back appointments with patients who show up regularly for their therapy appointments and commit to the hard work of self discovery and growth. It was filled with reassuring phone calls from my husband with a plan for our new little mice friends. It was filled with check-ins from good friends who make it a point to just reach out and say hi. For all the annoying parts that made this morning one of “those days,” there were even more parts that made it a good day. Listen, I’m not someone who believes in “choosing happiness” or not allowing yourself to feel the crappy feelings. When you have a morning like I did today, it’s completely normal and acceptable to feel all the feelings about it. But then we have to look for the good parts. Even if they are hard to find. Even if there aren’t a lot of them. I promise there are always some good parts. There is always some glimmer of hope to hold on to. Let those good parts be what defines your day, not the other things. So, yes, today was one of “those days” - those days where lots of stuff went wrong. But it was also one of “those days” - those days where I get to count my blessings and lean in to all the glimmers of hope.  Have you ever felt like you can’t catch your breath, are wound-up or on edge?
Have you ever felt like your mind is racing and you can’t keep up? Do your thoughts about what you have to do consume you? Have you ever laid in bed awake and unable to fall asleep because you have so much on your mind? Have you ever realized that your shoulders and neck are so tense that they become painful? Have you ever felt like there is an elephant sitting on your chest making it difficult to breathe? Have you ever wanted to lock yourself in a room and hide from all the things that you have to do? Welcome to anxiety. It sucks. When your anxiety rears its ugly head, you might find yourself thinking things like “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I just stop worrying?” “Why can’t I just be grateful for all the good things in my life?” You might find that you are starting to turn to some unhealthy coping tools such as cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and food. You might find that your anxiety is causing you to miss work, cancel social activities or even starting to impact your physical health. The good news is that you CAN learn some ways to manage your anxiety and prevent it from taking over our lives: 1. Let Go of Perfection Many people with anxiety have a belief that they need to be perfect. The perfect mother. The perfect friend. The perfect neighbor. The perfect employee. To you, a messy house is an indication of failure; a child with hair that is a bit overdue for a haircut means that you are a neglectful parent; leaving your trash barrels out until 6pm means that you are the worst neighbor ever; being 10 pounds overweight means that you are disgusting; asking your friend for help means that you are too needy. Stop. None of that is true. Your thoughts can become your own worst enemy. Stop trying to prove your worth. Stop trying to live up to people in your life that you think are perfect. Stop trying to be the best. Honestly, stop. What would happen if you tried to just do the best you can do right now? Maybe your best today is to feed your kids mac and cheese for dinner. Does that mean you are the worst mother? No. Maybe your best today is to throw your dirty clothes in the hamper rather than on the floor. Does that mean you are a lazy slob? No. Maybe tomorrow you can do more. Maybe not. Don’t beat yourself up. Cut “I should” out of your vocabulary. Accept yourself for who you are right now and focus on the good, not the bad 2. Rethink Social Media A quick word on all those perfect people on social media: most of them are fake. Their pictures were posed and reposed, edited and re-edited. Their posts have been rewritten and reworded. Their videos have been cut and redone. What you are seeing is the best version of them, not the real version. Resist the temptation to compare yourself. If there are people on your social media accounts who always seem to have it together and you find that their posts somehow leave you feeling worse about yourself, try hiding their posts for a bit. It’s ok to take a break. They don’t even need to know. 3. Make Room for Self Care In my experience, many of the people who struggle with anxiety are really wonderful caregivers – except when it comes to caring for themselves. They place everyone else’s needs above their own and by the end of the day, there is nothing left for them. That kind of behavior needs to stop if you are ever going to manage your anxiety. What are some things that make you feel good? Is it 15 minutes drinking coffee by yourself in the morning - no phone, no tv, no other people? Is it a long bath at the end of the day? Is it one night out a week with a friend? Is it some time with a good book at night for 20 minutes? Is it scrapbooking or photography or writing? What is it that fills you up a little bit? Once you figure out what it is, schedule some time, preferably daily, for that self care activity. Even 5 minutes each day would be wonderful! Hold that time sacred. Block it out and schedule things around it. Don’t allow yourself to feel badly about it. Self care is not selfish. 4. Relax A large part of learning to manage your anxiety is learning how to calm and quiet your thoughts. Many people have found activities such as yoga, meditation and mindfulness training to be effective at increasing their ability to quiet their mind. It’s not easy. You will likely find your first 5 sessions of yoga, meditation or mindfulness work will leave you feeling even more anxious because you will suddenly be extremely aware of just how fast your thoughts are moving. Stick with it. It will become easier and, with practice, you will be able to sit in silence without your mind racing. These are wonderful tools to have in your toolkit. 5. Get Moving Physical exercise can be extremely beneficial for those with anxiety. Exercise can be something as simple as a 10 minute walk each morning. Go at it with the goal of increasing physical activity and decreasing your anxiety. Resist the urge to set sizeable goals for yourself with regards to weight loss. You want to avoid opportunities for causing more anxiety in your life. Set yourself up for success. 6. Breathe So, what do you do when anxiety hits you full force and you can’t catch your breath? Being able to get control of your breathing again is key. There are two main techniques that I like to recommend to patients:
7. Watch Your Diet Take a few days and track everything you eat and drink. Also track any times of day where you may be feeling more anxious. Look for patterns. Caffeine can sometimes heighten your symptoms of anxiety. Perhaps it would be worthwhile for you to slowly decrease your caffeine consumption and/or limit your intake of sugar. Small and steady changes can make a big change over time. 8. Find a Counselor Perhaps I am biased because I am a counselor, but I tend to believe that everyone can benefit from a counselor or psychotherapist. I recently talked to someone who was hesitant to contact a counselor because they didn’t exactly know how to explain their concerns to the therapist. Don’t worry. A good therapist will help you articulate and identify your concerns and needs. They also can help you learn new coping and calming strategies and skills, can assist you with areas of stress in your life and can help you increase your overall quality of life. What if you see a therapist and don’t feel like you connect with them? Find another one! This is about you – not the therapist’s feelings. 9. Be Open to Medication I am not one to advocate skipping all of the previous steps and going straight to medication. However, panic attacks and chronic severe anxiety can feel terrifying. There are many medication options available today to help manage anxiety. These medications can be taken daily or taken as needed. Some of you may be thinking, “I don’t want to be snowed.” Or “I don’t want a tranquilizer.” Fear not. Medications are much more refined today than they were decades ago. If you feel you may want to explore medications for your anxiety, speak to your primary care physician or schedule a consult with a psychiatrist. (In general, I find that a psychiatrist tends to be a better option over a primary care physician for medications for depression and anxiety – it’s their specialty.) 10. Be Kind to Yourself This mantra seems to find its way into many of my articles. I cannot stress this concept enough to you. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Accept that you are not perfect. Accept that you are flawed. Accept that you are human. Surround yourself with people who allow you to be kind to yourself. Better yet, surround yourself with people who encourage you to be kind to yourself. With anxiety, some days are harder than others. In fact, some days just feel damn near impossible. Know that those days will pass and know that there are resources, supports and tools available to help you manage your anxiety. You don't have to fight this battle alone! adapted from: https://www.changingperspectivesonline.com/health/10-best-ways-to-manage-anxiety  As I neared my 40s, so many of the women around me who were already 40 were proclaiming a newfound sense of self.
They spoke about how they didn’t care what others thought of them anymore—sharing that it was as if some sort of epiphany suddenly released them from the burdensome weight of other people’s opinions once they reached the magical age of 40. Hallelujah! Bring on 40! That sounds fabulous! But, here I am, already 16 months into my 40s, and I can’t find the promised life-changing insight anywhere. There were no epiphanies that greeted me on my 40th birthday. There has been no increase in self-confidence. None of the magic I was promised has kicked in. This isn’t how 40 was supposed to be. I expected to roll up to my 40s, throw on some fabulous shades, and be able to let all the crap others might sling my way simply roll off my shoulders. At least, that’s the idea I was sold by so many of the women around me. I want my money back. Even at the age of 41, I am still crushed to the core by other’s negative opinions of me. Essentially, I am still the 14-year-old version of me. Yes, behind the wrinkles in my forehead, the crow’s feet around my eyes, and the sparkly grey hairs that frame my face is a girl who just wants everyone to understand she is a good person. She doesn’t need everyone to like her, approve of her, or even want to spend time with her, but man, does she need others to believe she is a good person — one who does not lie, steal, cheat, or deliberately hurt others. Surely those insecurities were supposed to fade once I hit the age of 40, right? But, they are still there, sometimes louder than ever. I keep telling that teenager inside my brain to ask herself So what if someone misunderstands you, talks about you negatively behind your back, accuses you of something you simply did not do, or even posts completely false information about you online? But my inner teenager always rolls her eyes at me, sighs, and gets stuck. She gets stuck on wondering if there is anything she can do to convince people of who she really is or to convince them the information they received about her is wrong. She gets stuck wondering how many other people believe she isn’t a good person. This isn’t how 40 was supposed to be. Life was supposed to change drastically for the better, leaving a fresher and more confident version of myself, poised to tackle my 40s like a boss. But, it really doesn’t feel much different here in my 40s, aside from increased joint pain and needing to cover my greys more frequently. This can’t be it. There must be more. I must be missing something or doing my 40s all wrong. I watch in awe as my youngest son navigates the world with confidence, able to brush off other people’s views of him swiftly and effortlessly. It’s an ability I thought I would find for myself once I turned 40. Somehow he has already mastered what it means to be 40 at the ripe old age of 11. He lives fully, without holding back. He is who he is and if people don’t like it, he doesn’t care. I thought the theme of my 40s would be pretty similar to how my 11-year-old lives his life: I am who I am and if people don’t like it, I don’t care. How can I make that my mantra? How can I find for myself the changes I thought would come with last year’s birthday? Perhaps my 40s haven’t gone the way I thought they would because I’m still holding back. Maybe I am still holding back who I really am, afraid to just let the real me be free for all to see. Perhaps I am holding back what I really want to say, do, or even be. Could I be holding back pieces of myself so there is less of me to be unfairly judged? I’ve had 41 years to figure all this out, and I suppose if I want my 40s to be the way I envisioned them, it’s up to me to do something about it. I have to be more like my 11-year-old and less like my inner 14-year-old. I have to stop holding back. I have to put the real me out there and learn to be a fabulous version of myself who just lets negativity roll off me. After all, the people who matter are the people who know me, the people who have my back, the people who see the real me, and the people who believe in me. If others choose to misunderstand me, that’s on them. So, today I’ll go buy some fabulous shades, toss my sparkly hair back, and begin facing the world like the 40-something-year-old boss I know I can be. Watch out world, I’m in my 40s now, and I’m going to start living my life for me. This piece was originally published on 12/3/20 on Her View From Home.  See this face right here?
This is the face of someone who decided to be brave and start seeing her therapist again. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to get support too. This is the face of someone whose suitcase of feelings was bursting at the seems and desperately needed to be unpacked. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to unpack your own suitcase too. This is the face of someone who wasn’t sure where or how to start or what feelings might show up. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to give your feelings a chance to be fully expressed and held too. This is the face of someone who let down the facade today and let herself be real and raw and vulnerable. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to let yourself be real and vulnerable too. This is the face of someone who feels emotionally exhausted after a therapy session but also lighter and somehow more whole. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to feel lighter and more whole too. This is the face of someone who believes in her worth and her dignity and her right to build a life she wants. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to believe in yourself too.  I’m going to let you in on a little secret about change.
Walking away from the things and people that drain your energy is one of the hardest things you can do. Ever. Even if that person or thing leaves you bruised and broken over and over again, making the decision to leave it behind and step towards a life that is more authentically you, is terrifying. Like leaves your palms sweaty, gives you a pit in your stomach, and sends your heart racing - terrifying. You begin to worry about all the people that won’t understand. You start a repetitive loop of all the “what if” scenarios. You decide that it’s just not worth it - change would be too hard. But, sweet reader, I promise you it IS worth it. All of the pain and fear and hard work of walking away from the life you know and walking towards the life you deserve is worth it. I hope that someday you find the courage to take the first step away from the hurt and turn your gaze to the horizon of possibility. A beautiful horizon of possibility - that’s what exists for you once you decide to take your future and your happiness into your own hands and go after the things you want. I promise you that there will be moments where you doubt your decision. There will be moments where you start to turn back towards the pain because the devil you know is greater than the devil you don’t know right? Remember this - there’s only one way to find out. You owe it to yourself in those moments to keep moving forward. Keep moving towards your goals and away from the painful past. Even when it’s hard. Even when it feels uncertain. And someday, hopefully in the not too distant future, you will take a deep breath in for just a moment and catch a glimpse of the life you used to know, a glimpse of the shell of the person you used to be, and you will smile. You will smile and notice that your heart is light, you are surrounded by true support, and you are on the right path - all because you believed you were worthy and took that first step towards change and possibility. |
Mental Health & WellnessNow, more than ever, we all need a little support to help get us through the rough spots. With all the pressures of life, it can be a challenge to find time to not only take care of yourself but also to truly understand who you even are anymore. Archives
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