The other night I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook when a post caught my eye.

The post talked about how despite it being summer weather still for the author, it was September and so she was going to lean all the way in to all things Autumn.

"Good for you!" I silently cheered as I read the post.

But, then I kept reading and quickly found myself shaking my head.

The author went on to state how September and October are for fall things, November is only for Thanksgiving things, and Christmas things can't be celebrated or acknowledged until December 1st.

It was a rule, she said.

Listen folks, none of us need that kind of negative energy in our life.

If you want to decorate your house for fall on June 1st, go for it.

If you want to wait to decorate for Christmas until December 10th, go for it.

Life is too short, too stressful, too structured, and too messy to put stringent parameters around the things that make us happy and bring us joy.

So, do what makes you happy and let others do what makes them happy. Your neighbor's Christmas tree in October or your online friend's pumpkin throw blanket in July really don't impact you or your own happiness.

You don't need anyone else's permission to go ahead and lean in to fall right now, or dive head first back in to summer, or pull those Christmas lights out of the attic, or even go ahead and put out some red and pink hearts for Valentine's day.

Live your life.

Find your happy.

Let others do the same. ​

​“Oh look. Superwoman is back.”

I could barely make out the sound over the workout music blasting in my headphones but as I turned to find the source of the muffled words, I realized they had been directed at me.

I locked eyes with the elderly woman beside me and reached up to click the headphone sound off so I could clarify what she had said.

I could feel the defensiveness starting to rise in my chest.

She motioned to the weight stack on the leg machine I was using and said “you’re like a superwoman. How can you do weights that heavy?”

She sat down at the machine beside me, adjusted the weights, and pointed at her own weight stack sighing “I can barely do this little bit and you did all that the other day.”

Suddenly everything shifted into focus.

I realized that I had misread this woman a few days earlier when she had been waiting for one of the machines I was using. Her exasperated sighs that day hadn’t been about me taking too long or being too sweaty or using a machine she wanted. They were because she felt badly about her limitations.

She had been in her own head, beating herself up with negative self talk.

She had no way of knowing that just a few minutes earlier I was feeling exasperated with my own limitations too and was convinced that she was repulsed and irritated by me.

With my newfound insight, I leaned over to her and whispered, “You’re a superwoman too, you know. Just being here is hard.”

She softened, smiled, and did a set on her machine before taking a deep breath.

“You know,” she said, “I’m actually recovering from a stroke and a triple bypass. I’m trying to get back to being healthy.”

Talk about a superwoman, right?

We spent the next few minutes chatting in-between sets as each of us completed our own superwomanly workout and shared some of the struggles of our lives - her looking back wistfully at my current stage of life and me looking forward in awe at hers.

As we parted ways, I couldn’t help but be moved by the irony of our shared experiences with self doubt and negative self talk.

Both of us had dragged ourselves to the gym on a Monday morning, feeling badly about ourselves and envious of the other women around us.

Women we thought were stronger,

skinnier,

faster,

healthier,

prettier,

and overall, better.

We had looked around us and saw a bunch of superwomen and in the mirror only saw a fraud.

But, for those few moments today both of us seemed to realize that maybe we did have a little bit of a superwoman in us.

Because there is a superwoman in all of us - fighting our own demons, pushing through our own challenges, and fighting towards our own goals.

Maybe it’s time to stop beating ourselves up and start lifting ourselves up instead.

And maybe as we start to lift ourselves up, we could also lift up our gaze and make connections with the other superwomen around us.

Because they are everywhere.

Even within.

Shame.


Five simple letters.

One complicated word.

For many of us, shame has been a constant companion for as long as we can remember.
It has been the thing we try to avoid at all costs.

Shame.

You probably know the feeling.

Something or someone reminds you of some mistake from your past and suddenly shame washes over you, turning your stomach into knots, leaving your cheeks red with embarrassment, and making the air around you thick with regret.

Shame.

When it hits, you want to run away, wash the feeling away, hide from the world until it is gone.

But, maybe some of that shame is misplaced.

I’ve carried shame around with me tied to so many mistakes I’ve made and one in particular hit me like a ton of bricks the other day.

All at once I was back there — remembering what it was like to be a teenager caught making a mistake.

Until last week if you had asked me about that day, I would have felt nothing but shame --
because that’s how I was told I should feel about it.

Shame.

Regret.

Embarrassment
.
Weak.

Dishonest.

And so the teenage version of me all those years ago filed that experience away as something about which I should feel deep shame —  until last week when I looked at the incident through the eyes of someone who is now parenting teenagers.


Yet again my perspective on life shifted as I settled into another new phase of parenting.
It turns out the shame was wrong.

The shame was misplaced.

The shame had no purpose other than to make me feel badly about myself and keep me tethered to an impossible quest for perfection.

And for the first time in my life, I gave myself permission to re-evaluate the feeling of shame.

Listen friend, just because someone tries to give you the label of shame or just because a younger version of yourself accepts that shame, it doesn’t mean you have to keep it.

You can always re-evaluate.

You can always choose to peel yourself out of the shame, release yourself from its thick grasp, and step forward into a forgiving space — a space where mistakes don’t have to equal shame and embarrassment.

And so I stepped out of the weighty prison of shame and left it behind.

​What if you gave yourself permission to release some of the shame you’ve been carrying around?

Recently we got to sneak away to New Hampshire with family.


We were excited for some fun in the sun but the weather didn’t seem to care about our outdoor plans. Instead, we saw lots and lots of rain. Lots.


So, we spent a lot of time playing board games, watching movies, and doing multiple 300–1000 piece puzzles.

As I watched our family of 10 in their puzzle process, I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between the puzzles and life.

A couple of us would start a puzzle and together we’d sort through the edges and inside pieces.  Sometimes we talked. Sometimes we sat in silence. As people got tired, they’d simply walk away from the table. No one yelled for them to come back when they left and no one felt hurt when others needed a break. Sometimes someone else would jump right in to take their place and pick up where they left off. Sometimes the seat would stay empty for a bit. Sometimes we’d realize that one of us was sharper at night and one of us was sharper in the morning. Sometimes we’d realize that one of us was better at finding the edges and one of us was better at finding sections that fit together. Sometimes we’d realize that someone with fresh eyes was needed.


Somehow, without fighting, without strategizing, and without giving up, we worked together to finish those puzzles.

And that’s the key to life right?

We need to work together with our people to solve the problems in front of us.

Because life has a funny way of not going our way.

Sometimes our people need to walk away from our puzzle for a bit. Sometimes someone is there to jump right in. Sometimes things feel quiet and there’s no progress for a bit. Sometimes some people are better equipped than others. But eventually, piece by piece, things get figured out and put together in the right way. 


And a 1000 piece puzzle, just like life, is always easier when you have support.
​

And life, just like a 1000 piece puzzle, can benefit from trusting in the people on your team.

Last week I overheard someone telling a friend that they have a "surprise day off tomorrow."

Apparently they requested the day off from work a while ago but can't remember why. So, it's just a surprise day for themselves.

A blank day in their daily planner.

It got me thinking about how we all could benefit from a surprise day off from whatever stressors and responsibilities are filling our days right now.

So, why not make it happen?

I can already hear you starting to list a million reasons why not to make it happen but what about all the reasons to try to make it a reality?

Take some time and pick a day on the calendar that looks at least sort of open and schedule yourself off from whatever you are typically doing. Go ahead and label it "surprise day off."

Give yourself a blank page in your agenda that day.

Don't fill it with work or chores or caring for others. Leave it open for yourself.

Maybe you could go for a long drive alone.
Maybe you could have lunch with a friend.
Maybe you could sleep in.
Maybe you could do something that you find fun.

It doesn't matter as long as it is something for you.

And if you can’t swing a whole day off, aim for a half-day or even an hour.

Just schedule some time off - even if it takes 6 months to make it happen.

Go make it happen. Ask for help from your support network if you need help with covering your responsibilities. Maybe you could even offer to cover for them on their own surprise day off!

I promise you that when that "surprise day off" comes around, you'll be so glad you scheduled it for yourself. 

******
(Follow Changing Perspectives on Facebook for more supportive content.)​

I’m not sure how it happened but here I am about to celebrate my 43rd birthday. While I certainly haven’t figured out all of life’s secrets, I have learned my fair share of important lessons, leaving me feeling much more balanced, fulfilled, and hopeful today than I have ever felt as I approached any of my other birthdays. 


So, in honor of my 43rd birthday, I give you 44 (1 for each year plus 1 for good luck) of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far: 

In no particular order:
​

1. Don’t borrow anxiety from the future. It’s simply not a good investment of your time.
2. Your biggest enemy is you. In the words of Milli Vanilli (or whoever really wrote their songs), you know it’s true.
3. You can either make changes or make excuses. Change is one of the hardest things we can do in life which is why we resist it so much.
4. Choose people who choose you. You aren’t for everyone and not everyone is for you — when you choose each other mutually, that’s the good stuff.
5. Nachos and tacos make almost anything better. They are pure magic and I will never turn them down.
6. Make time to rest and recharge — it won’t just happen magically. You make time and plans for everything and everyone else, it’s time to do it for yourself too.
7. Perfection is a myth. So, let’s stop chasing after it as if it’s attainable.
8. You are not responsible for other people’s happiness. You aren’t — even if they think you are.
9. Never underestimate the power of an unexpected text or phone call. You might be someone’s last hope.
10. You don’t have to fight every battle. It’s ok to let others fight the battles sometimes too.
11. It’s ok to not be ok. Part of being human is having feelings and sometimes those feelings are just plain painful.
12. Closure does not exist. Much like perfection, it’s a myth we keep trying to chase.
13. Real friends don’t keep score. Real friends understand that sometimes we just can’t show up as the best versions of ourselves — and they love us anyway.
14. Don’t give other people’s opinions of you more attention than they deserve. You are never going to please everyone or make everyone like you — stop trying.
15. Sometimes you just have to feel your feelings. All of them-even the ugly ones. If you don’t feel them, I promise you at some point they will spill out anyway.
16. Don’t drink cheap tequila. Just don’t do it. Spend the extra money for the good stuff.
17. You can hear a lot by listening to the silence. It can be uncomfortable to sit in that silent space but so much can be heard there.
18. An authentic life requires vulnerability and risk. Being authentic can be terrifying but the rewards are worth it.
19. Your mistakes do not define you — how you correct them does. We all make mistakes — how we respond is what matters most.
20. Real is better than perfect. Remember that perfection doesn’t exist. Show up as your real self.
21. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some hurts are just too big.
22. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is to just listen. How nice does it feel when others give us space and just listen? Let’s remember to do that for others. 
23. The best investment to make is in yourself. YOU are an investment that is worth the return.
24. Parenting teenagers is equal parts trying to hold on and trying to let go. It’s a constant struggle between the two sides.
25. It’s ok to be proud of yourself. Let’s stop pretending like it’s rude to be proud of ourselves-your accomplishments are worth sharing and celebrating!
26. Your worth is not determined by others. Your worth is determined by you and by you alone.
27. People will treat you how you let them treat you. Stop letting people walk all over you.
28. A little bit of kindness can make a lot of impact. A tiny bit of kindness can brighten someone’s entire week.
29. What you think you know about someone’s situation is never the full story. We never know the full story about someone else’s life-especially when we think we do.
30. It’s ok to walk away from toxicity. In fact, it’s necessary for survival.
31. Not everyone is going to like you — and it’s ok. Once you accept this fact life becomes a whole lot easier.
32. Life’s uncomfortable moments can be where we grow the most. These moments are where so much learning can occur.
33. Self-care is not selfish. Making time to care for yourself sometimes means putting yourself first-that doesn’t make it selfish.
34. No is a complete sentence. You don’t always owe others an explanation.
35. Sometimes the best way to create space for your teen to talk with you is to get in the car and drive with them. Something truly magical happens every time.
36. When you seek approval from everyone else, you lose sight of the real you. Stop twisting yourself into a pretzel to make everyone happy. 
37. When in doubt, reach out. If you are thinking of someone, let them know.
38. There is beauty in the simple. Sometimes less is more.
39. You have to look for the glimmers of hope — always. They are always there-sometimes we just have to work harder to find them.
40. Celebrate the little moments — they become the big moments. Life is really all about our individual collections of beautiful little moments that tell the full story of our lives.
41. Lean in to the things that scare you. Sometimes those are the things we need most.
42. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s more than ok-it’s necessary.
43. Don’t believe the lies your depression and anxiety tell you. They will tell you so many lies-you don’t have to believe them.
44. We all are works in progress. So let’s show each other and ourselves a bit more grace.

For more more inspiration and motivation, sign up for my weekly newsletter at https://changingperspectivesonline.us17.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=d1470984f627398657137dfde&id=094d38189a

Last week I overheard someone telling a friend that they have a “surprise day off tomorrow.” Apparently they requested the day off from work a while ago but can’t remember why. So, it’s just a surprise day for themselves.

A blank day in their daily planner.

It got me thinking about how we all could benefit from a surprise day off from whatever stressors and responsibilities are filling our days right now. So, why not make it happen?


I can already hear you starting to list a million reasons why not to make it happen but what about all the reasons to try to make it a reality?

Take some time and pick a day on the calendar that looks at least sort of open and schedule yourself off from whatever you are typically doing. Go ahead and label it “surprise day off.” Give yourself a blank page in your agenda that day.  Don’t fill it with work or chores or caring for others. Leave it open for yourself.

Maybe you could go for a long drive alone.
Maybe you could have lunch with a friend.
Maybe you could sleep in.
Maybe you could do something that you find fun.
It doesn’t matter as long as it is something for you.

And if you can’t swing a whole day off, aim for a half-day or even an hour. Just schedule some time off — even if it takes 6 months to make it happen. Go make it happen. Ask for help from your support network if you need help with covering your responsibilities. Maybe you could even offer to cover for them on their own surprise day off!


I promise you that when that “surprise day off” comes around, you’ll be so glad you scheduled it for yourself.

(Read Changing Perspectives on Facebook)