 Have you ever felt like you can’t catch your breath, are wound-up or on edge?
Have you ever felt like your mind is racing and you can’t keep up? Do your thoughts about what you have to do consume you? Have you ever laid in bed awake and unable to fall asleep because you have so much on your mind? Have you ever realized that your shoulders and neck are so tense that they become painful? Have you ever felt like there is an elephant sitting on your chest making it difficult to breathe? Have you ever wanted to lock yourself in a room and hide from all the things that you have to do? Welcome to anxiety. It sucks. When your anxiety rears its ugly head, you might find yourself thinking things like “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I just stop worrying?” “Why can’t I just be grateful for all the good things in my life?” You might find that you are starting to turn to some unhealthy coping tools such as cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and food. You might find that your anxiety is causing you to miss work, cancel social activities or even starting to impact your physical health. The good news is that you CAN learn some ways to manage your anxiety and prevent it from taking over our lives: 1. Let Go of Perfection Many people with anxiety have a belief that they need to be perfect. The perfect mother. The perfect friend. The perfect neighbor. The perfect employee. To you, a messy house is an indication of failure; a child with hair that is a bit overdue for a haircut means that you are a neglectful parent; leaving your trash barrels out until 6pm means that you are the worst neighbor ever; being 10 pounds overweight means that you are disgusting; asking your friend for help means that you are too needy. Stop. None of that is true. Your thoughts can become your own worst enemy. Stop trying to prove your worth. Stop trying to live up to people in your life that you think are perfect. Stop trying to be the best. Honestly, stop. What would happen if you tried to just do the best you can do right now? Maybe your best today is to feed your kids mac and cheese for dinner. Does that mean you are the worst mother? No. Maybe your best today is to throw your dirty clothes in the hamper rather than on the floor. Does that mean you are a lazy slob? No. Maybe tomorrow you can do more. Maybe not. Don’t beat yourself up. Cut “I should” out of your vocabulary. Accept yourself for who you are right now and focus on the good, not the bad 2. Rethink Social Media A quick word on all those perfect people on social media: most of them are fake. Their pictures were posed and reposed, edited and re-edited. Their posts have been rewritten and reworded. Their videos have been cut and redone. What you are seeing is the best version of them, not the real version. Resist the temptation to compare yourself. If there are people on your social media accounts who always seem to have it together and you find that their posts somehow leave you feeling worse about yourself, try hiding their posts for a bit. It’s ok to take a break. They don’t even need to know. 3. Make Room for Self Care In my experience, many of the people who struggle with anxiety are really wonderful caregivers – except when it comes to caring for themselves. They place everyone else’s needs above their own and by the end of the day, there is nothing left for them. That kind of behavior needs to stop if you are ever going to manage your anxiety. What are some things that make you feel good? Is it 15 minutes drinking coffee by yourself in the morning - no phone, no tv, no other people? Is it a long bath at the end of the day? Is it one night out a week with a friend? Is it some time with a good book at night for 20 minutes? Is it scrapbooking or photography or writing? What is it that fills you up a little bit? Once you figure out what it is, schedule some time, preferably daily, for that self care activity. Even 5 minutes each day would be wonderful! Hold that time sacred. Block it out and schedule things around it. Don’t allow yourself to feel badly about it. Self care is not selfish. 4. Relax A large part of learning to manage your anxiety is learning how to calm and quiet your thoughts. Many people have found activities such as yoga, meditation and mindfulness training to be effective at increasing their ability to quiet their mind. It’s not easy. You will likely find your first 5 sessions of yoga, meditation or mindfulness work will leave you feeling even more anxious because you will suddenly be extremely aware of just how fast your thoughts are moving. Stick with it. It will become easier and, with practice, you will be able to sit in silence without your mind racing. These are wonderful tools to have in your toolkit. 5. Get Moving Physical exercise can be extremely beneficial for those with anxiety. Exercise can be something as simple as a 10 minute walk each morning. Go at it with the goal of increasing physical activity and decreasing your anxiety. Resist the urge to set sizeable goals for yourself with regards to weight loss. You want to avoid opportunities for causing more anxiety in your life. Set yourself up for success. 6. Breathe So, what do you do when anxiety hits you full force and you can’t catch your breath? Being able to get control of your breathing again is key. There are two main techniques that I like to recommend to patients:
7. Watch Your Diet Take a few days and track everything you eat and drink. Also track any times of day where you may be feeling more anxious. Look for patterns. Caffeine can sometimes heighten your symptoms of anxiety. Perhaps it would be worthwhile for you to slowly decrease your caffeine consumption and/or limit your intake of sugar. Small and steady changes can make a big change over time. 8. Find a Counselor Perhaps I am biased because I am a counselor, but I tend to believe that everyone can benefit from a counselor or psychotherapist. I recently talked to someone who was hesitant to contact a counselor because they didn’t exactly know how to explain their concerns to the therapist. Don’t worry. A good therapist will help you articulate and identify your concerns and needs. They also can help you learn new coping and calming strategies and skills, can assist you with areas of stress in your life and can help you increase your overall quality of life. What if you see a therapist and don’t feel like you connect with them? Find another one! This is about you – not the therapist’s feelings. 9. Be Open to Medication I am not one to advocate skipping all of the previous steps and going straight to medication. However, panic attacks and chronic severe anxiety can feel terrifying. There are many medication options available today to help manage anxiety. These medications can be taken daily or taken as needed. Some of you may be thinking, “I don’t want to be snowed.” Or “I don’t want a tranquilizer.” Fear not. Medications are much more refined today than they were decades ago. If you feel you may want to explore medications for your anxiety, speak to your primary care physician or schedule a consult with a psychiatrist. (In general, I find that a psychiatrist tends to be a better option over a primary care physician for medications for depression and anxiety – it’s their specialty.) 10. Be Kind to Yourself This mantra seems to find its way into many of my articles. I cannot stress this concept enough to you. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Accept that you are not perfect. Accept that you are flawed. Accept that you are human. Surround yourself with people who allow you to be kind to yourself. Better yet, surround yourself with people who encourage you to be kind to yourself. With anxiety, some days are harder than others. In fact, some days just feel damn near impossible. Know that those days will pass and know that there are resources, supports and tools available to help you manage your anxiety. You don't have to fight this battle alone! adapted from: https://www.changingperspectivesonline.com/health/10-best-ways-to-manage-anxiety
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 As I neared my 40s, so many of the women around me who were already 40 were proclaiming a newfound sense of self.
They spoke about how they didn’t care what others thought of them anymore—sharing that it was as if some sort of epiphany suddenly released them from the burdensome weight of other people’s opinions once they reached the magical age of 40. Hallelujah! Bring on 40! That sounds fabulous! But, here I am, already 16 months into my 40s, and I can’t find the promised life-changing insight anywhere. There were no epiphanies that greeted me on my 40th birthday. There has been no increase in self-confidence. None of the magic I was promised has kicked in. This isn’t how 40 was supposed to be. I expected to roll up to my 40s, throw on some fabulous shades, and be able to let all the crap others might sling my way simply roll off my shoulders. At least, that’s the idea I was sold by so many of the women around me. I want my money back. Even at the age of 41, I am still crushed to the core by other’s negative opinions of me. Essentially, I am still the 14-year-old version of me. Yes, behind the wrinkles in my forehead, the crow’s feet around my eyes, and the sparkly grey hairs that frame my face is a girl who just wants everyone to understand she is a good person. She doesn’t need everyone to like her, approve of her, or even want to spend time with her, but man, does she need others to believe she is a good person — one who does not lie, steal, cheat, or deliberately hurt others. Surely those insecurities were supposed to fade once I hit the age of 40, right? But, they are still there, sometimes louder than ever. I keep telling that teenager inside my brain to ask herself So what if someone misunderstands you, talks about you negatively behind your back, accuses you of something you simply did not do, or even posts completely false information about you online? But my inner teenager always rolls her eyes at me, sighs, and gets stuck. She gets stuck on wondering if there is anything she can do to convince people of who she really is or to convince them the information they received about her is wrong. She gets stuck wondering how many other people believe she isn’t a good person. This isn’t how 40 was supposed to be. Life was supposed to change drastically for the better, leaving a fresher and more confident version of myself, poised to tackle my 40s like a boss. But, it really doesn’t feel much different here in my 40s, aside from increased joint pain and needing to cover my greys more frequently. This can’t be it. There must be more. I must be missing something or doing my 40s all wrong. I watch in awe as my youngest son navigates the world with confidence, able to brush off other people’s views of him swiftly and effortlessly. It’s an ability I thought I would find for myself once I turned 40. Somehow he has already mastered what it means to be 40 at the ripe old age of 11. He lives fully, without holding back. He is who he is and if people don’t like it, he doesn’t care. I thought the theme of my 40s would be pretty similar to how my 11-year-old lives his life: I am who I am and if people don’t like it, I don’t care. How can I make that my mantra? How can I find for myself the changes I thought would come with last year’s birthday? Perhaps my 40s haven’t gone the way I thought they would because I’m still holding back. Maybe I am still holding back who I really am, afraid to just let the real me be free for all to see. Perhaps I am holding back what I really want to say, do, or even be. Could I be holding back pieces of myself so there is less of me to be unfairly judged? I’ve had 41 years to figure all this out, and I suppose if I want my 40s to be the way I envisioned them, it’s up to me to do something about it. I have to be more like my 11-year-old and less like my inner 14-year-old. I have to stop holding back. I have to put the real me out there and learn to be a fabulous version of myself who just lets negativity roll off me. After all, the people who matter are the people who know me, the people who have my back, the people who see the real me, and the people who believe in me. If others choose to misunderstand me, that’s on them. So, today I’ll go buy some fabulous shades, toss my sparkly hair back, and begin facing the world like the 40-something-year-old boss I know I can be. Watch out world, I’m in my 40s now, and I’m going to start living my life for me. This piece was originally published on 12/3/20 on Her View From Home.  See this face right here?
This is the face of someone who decided to be brave and start seeing her therapist again. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to get support too. This is the face of someone whose suitcase of feelings was bursting at the seems and desperately needed to be unpacked. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to unpack your own suitcase too. This is the face of someone who wasn’t sure where or how to start or what feelings might show up. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to give your feelings a chance to be fully expressed and held too. This is the face of someone who let down the facade today and let herself be real and raw and vulnerable. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to let yourself be real and vulnerable too. This is the face of someone who feels emotionally exhausted after a therapy session but also lighter and somehow more whole. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to feel lighter and more whole too. This is the face of someone who believes in her worth and her dignity and her right to build a life she wants. Maybe this is your sign that it’s time for you to believe in yourself too.  I’m going to let you in on a little secret about change.
Walking away from the things and people that drain your energy is one of the hardest things you can do. Ever. Even if that person or thing leaves you bruised and broken over and over again, making the decision to leave it behind and step towards a life that is more authentically you, is terrifying. Like leaves your palms sweaty, gives you a pit in your stomach, and sends your heart racing - terrifying. You begin to worry about all the people that won’t understand. You start a repetitive loop of all the “what if” scenarios. You decide that it’s just not worth it - change would be too hard. But, sweet reader, I promise you it IS worth it. All of the pain and fear and hard work of walking away from the life you know and walking towards the life you deserve is worth it. I hope that someday you find the courage to take the first step away from the hurt and turn your gaze to the horizon of possibility. A beautiful horizon of possibility - that’s what exists for you once you decide to take your future and your happiness into your own hands and go after the things you want. I promise you that there will be moments where you doubt your decision. There will be moments where you start to turn back towards the pain because the devil you know is greater than the devil you don’t know right? Remember this - there’s only one way to find out. You owe it to yourself in those moments to keep moving forward. Keep moving towards your goals and away from the painful past. Even when it’s hard. Even when it feels uncertain. And someday, hopefully in the not too distant future, you will take a deep breath in for just a moment and catch a glimpse of the life you used to know, a glimpse of the shell of the person you used to be, and you will smile. You will smile and notice that your heart is light, you are surrounded by true support, and you are on the right path - all because you believed you were worthy and took that first step towards change and possibility.  “You’re one of the strongest moms I know. If you can’t do it, I can’t either.”
My friend’s words jumped out of the text at me, hitting me right in the gut. That negative voice in my head, always lurking just beneath the surface, was quick to question her view of me. How could it be that someone sees me as strong when lately all I feel is weak, a growing sense that I am a failure, and the notion that I am shrinking away from everyone? How could it be that despite the fog of depression and anxiety that has lately filled my head once again, I could appear to have it all together to others? How could it be that my outward projection is such a contradiction to my inner thoughts about myself? Which view of me is the correct one? Her view or my own? “I always think of you when I am in a bad spot and wonder what you would do.” This time her words hit me even deeper. They cut through the nonsense in my head and brought some clarity to me. She had no way of knowing my inner struggles, but something I was doing or saying was acting as a lifeline for her. Somehow, despite nearly drowning in my own despair, I was serving as a beacon of hope for her at times. Maybe, just maybe, that voice in my head was wrong. Maybe, just maybe, I could find a way to be that beacon of hope for myself. Her words echoed in my head that night and kept me awake for hours as I reflected more and more about what it meant to be a source of hope for someone. I realized that I can’t give up. None of us can. We have no idea who is watching us, who is holding on to their last thread of hope thinking, If she can’t do it, neither can I. We have no idea who is wondering what we would do if we were in their shoes, using us and our experiences to help guide them through their troubles. Look around. Someone somewhere is watching you, desperately looking for signs of hope and a sense of guidance. Maybe it’s one of your closest friends, a family member, a neighbor, a mom who sees you in the drop-off line at school, a coworker, an online friend, a stranger at the grocery store, someone reading your words—it doesn’t matter who it is, but they need you to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep believing in yourself. If you can’t do it, they can’t either. Originally published 11/27/20 on Her View From Home: https://herviewfromhome.com/dear-mama-you-are-stronger-than-you-think/  This weekend I didn’t want to go anywhere.
I turned down invites from friends and turned inward instead. I sat on my couch, wrapped in my soft blanket and just felt my feelings. I laughed. I cried. I sat in silence. I binge watched a new series. I drank homemade margaritas and let myself eat extra toasty cheez-its. I didn’t count calories, worry about miles on my spin bike, or focus on the number on the scale. I let myself be loved and seen and let myself just be in the moment. No right. No wrong. No rules. I just lived in the moment and let myself be. And by the end of the weekend, my spirits had lifted and I felt freed from the heaviness that had weighed me down. I was able to peel off the blanket and step back into the world, refreshed and hopeful. If you need to take some time to stop and just be, do it. Find a way to let go of the things weighing you down at least for a few moments. The scale can wait. The gym can wait. The dishes can wait. The vacuuming can wait. But how much longer can you wait?  Anxiety is setting multiple alarms every day so that you are never late for anything but then being uncomfortable if you arrive too early.
Anxiety is working efficiently and being over productive but then crying in the shower because it’s all just too much. Anxiety is leaving text messages from friends unanswered because you overthink your response but then believing unanswered messages from friends must mean they don’t like you. Anxiety is being too exhausted to be awake but too exhausted to fall sleep. Anxiety is feeling like your brain never stops racing but being unsure how to sit in the silence. Anxiety is believing that you are not enough and then worrying that you are too much. Anxiety is something that has shaped part of your story. But... Anxiety is not something that defines you. Anxiety is not something to be ashamed of. Anxiety is not something you have to manage alone. Anxiety is not something to avoid talking about. You are more than anxiety.  As I was listening to my sons tell me all about their impromptu baseball practice session at the field the other day, critiquing each other’s stance, swing and follow through, I realized that life is a lot like getting up to bat in baseball.
The People Your fans Behind you are your friends. They are the people in the crowd who are there for you and want you to do your best. They know when you need to be cheered on and when you need them to be quiet. They get you. Fans of the other team Behind you may also be some people who are not your friends. They wouldn’t mind seeing you strike out because they are there to root for someone else. People only there for the snacks Then there are the people that are just acquaintances. They are the people behind you who are totally uninterested in what you are doing — they are taking selfies on their phones and carrying on about something totally unrelated to your at-bat. Even though they are neutral, you still might not want to make an error in front of them. Your coaches Then there are your role models. They are your coaches. You look to them for guidance and advice. They motivate and push you. The umps Let’s not forget about the authority figures in your life. Perhaps they are bosses or others who are quick to judge you. They are the Umps, ready to call you “out.” Your teammates But, as you make your way to the plate, you also feel the presence of your team. Your success is their success. Your failure will also be felt by them. Maybe they are cheering you on, chanting your name, reminding you that they believe in you. Your opponents Then there is the other team — waiting in the outfield, watching your every move. Willing you to strike out and send them a nice pop fly. Does any of that seem a bit like how real life goes? It does for me. I can identify people in each of those roles: fans for my team, fans for the other team, neutral acquaintances, people quick to judge or point out my errors and also my team who has my back. Once you are in the batter’s box, all that other stuff fades away as you face off with the pitcher. The Fear
I have seen countless batters step into that box throughout my years as a baseball mom. One single bad experience can set some kids into an incredible slump. Great hitters suddenly freeze, afraid to swing the bat. Some confident batters suddenly find themselves jumping out of the box because they have grown afraid of being hit by a ball again. Others lose their focus and can no longer seem to make contact with the ball. I have spent many seasons cheering on my sons, hearing coaches remind them that baseball is in large part about confidence, focus and staying in the box. Look around. What is it like in your batter’s box of life now? 1. Who is cheering you on? 2. Who wants you to strike out? 3. Who is part of your team? 4. How are they supporting and encouraging you? 5. Who are your coaches and how do they motivate and bring out the best in you? 6. How does it feel in your batter’s box? 7. Do you need to make some changes to your stance? 8. What are you thinking when you step into the batter’s box? 9. Is your fear of striking out so great that you just stand there, frozen, as the pitched balls fly by you, hoping they are called balls and not strikes? 10. Are you so scared of being hurt that you back out of the box on each pitch? 11. Do you lack confidence in yourself so you find yourself closing your eyes and swinging wildly at any pitch? As you move through this week, notice all of the children who are taking to the fields with their gloves, bats and balls. Let those images be a reminder to you to take some time to reflect on your life and what it is like in your batter’s box. How can you regain your confidence, drown out the negative noise behind you, lean in, keep your eye on the ball and smash it out of the park?  The other day I fell into a sinkhole. Again.
You know the kind of sinkhole I’m talking about - the metaphorical kind. The kind that opens up and drags you under, disrupting your life - usually without warning. This same stupid sinkhole has plagued me for years now. Each time it gets patched up, the fix only lasts for a short while before it becomes dangerous again. Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about the sinkhole. I’ve learned what causes sinkholes and how you can try to decrease your chances of encountering them. I’ve learned how to add supports and reinforcements to reduce the risk of falling into the sinkhole. I’ve learned to make the sinkhole more stable so that I could more safely move near it. I’ve learned how to calmly drag myself out of the sinkhole each time it swallows me whole. I’ve learned to minimize the toll the sinkhole has on my life. I’ve learned to normalize sinkholes - afterall, we all hit sinkholes sometimes. But, the other day I fell in it again. My reinforcements hadn’t worked, minimizing it hadn’t worked, normalizing it hadn’t worked. Nothing had worked. There I was again - inside the sinkhole. I was powerless and defeated - again. When people tried to help me out of the sinkhole, I yelled at them to go away, or I ignored them, or I begged for them to tell me it was ok to be a mess because I was back in the effing sinkhole again. And then my child fell in behind me. Of course he did. It was only a matter of time before this happened. Afterall, he’s watched me and this sinkhole for most of his life. If I couldn’t avoid it then how could I expect him to avoid it. That’s when it hit me. I needed to be done with this sinkhole. Like, completely done. I’ve tried everything to keep the sinkhole from being a looming force in my life. Everything except one thing. I have never decided to stop letting the sinkhole be in my life. I COULD make the one choice I hadn’t yet given myself permission to make. There are always other routes we can take to get where we need to go. Maybe those routes will take us longer to get where we are going. Maybe those routes won’t make sense to those people who have never fallen into the sinkhole or who can’t imagine that particular sinkhole being so bad. Maybe we’ll be judged harshly and criticized for my decision to take a new route. But, the truth in life is that there will always be criticism. There will always be people who don’t understand us. There will always be people who disagree with us. There will always be sinkholes. When the sinkholes become too big, too scary, and too damaging we CAN take away their power in our life. We CAN stop allowing them to dictate how our journey goes. We CAN stop allowing them to wreak havoc in our life. It was time to do it. So, together my child and I pulled ourselves out of the sinkhole and decided to drive away. One last time. We didn’t look back.  Beep beep!
It’s your struggle bus captain checking in again. This week I am 4 weeks post surgery and when the doctor told me the hormones would be awful for up to 4-8 weeks, he wasn’t lying. Yesterday I had a mini panic attack because the football stadium seats felt too steep and I was afraid I would topple to my death. Then I cried because my freshman’s football coach sent a text for everyone to meet for dinner and it felt so nice to see something so normal. And then an hour later I was filled with so much rage that I wanted to find a total stranger that was trolling online and give her a piece of my mind. Seriously. Then I ate chocolate. And cried some more. And picked a fight with my husband. And cried about what a terrible person I am and how my face is full of acne. Whew! How many of you can relate to days like that? The truth is - days like this can happen to all of us - even without crazy hormones. Whenever we start to listen to all the negative thoughts in our head, it’s easy for all our good self-care practices to simply fade away. self-doubt inner criticism imposter syndrome guilt shame They really don’t do us any good. Ever. So, anyways, I’m here to say that sometimes some days and some weeks just don’t go the way you want them. It’s ok. Let yourself feel your feelings. Sometimes it’s really ok to cry and eat the chocolate and fantasize about what you want to say to the internet trolls. But then take time to center yourself. Reset. Remember who you are at your core. Keep moving forward because you deserve the life you want. And on the really hard days, don’t forget to pick your head up and look around. You aren’t the only one on the struggle bus. There’s lots of us here with you - reach out when you need support. Beep beep! See Less |
Mental Health & WellnessNow, more than ever, we all need a little support to help get us through the rough spots. With all the pressures of life, it can be a challenge to find time to not only take care of yourself but also to truly understand who you even are anymore. Archives
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