It’s easy to miss them.
It’s easy to miss all the little moments that remind us that we matter. It’s easy to miss those exchanges that show us how much we are loved. It’s easy to let those moments happen, pause for a brief bit of gratitude, and then return to the hustle and bustle of life. It’s easy to miss the weight of all those moments. It’s easy to miss the weight of the quick text from a friend after your child’s sports game telling you your son played great and asking you how you are feeling. It’s easy to miss the weight of that little package of skinny drink syrups and a cup of good gin left on your doorstep by someone who knows you share the same taste in quality cocktails. It’s easy to miss the weight of a daily funny meme text from a friend just to make you laugh. It’s easy to miss the weight of a Facebook message and post from high school friends who are just checking in on you. It’s easy to miss the weight of a hug from a friend who stops mid conversation when you enter their house just to give you a hug - one of those nice long hugs that only real friends can give. It’s easy to miss the weight of posts from online friends that you have never met in real life yet have somehow become some of the most important people in your life. It’s easy to miss the weight of an Aunt who puts together a gift of snacks and teas and a Golden Girls mug to remind you of your grandmother. It’s easy to miss the weight of group texts from friends who make you laugh, keep you connected, and accept you - even with all your flaws. It’s easy to miss the weight of a 15 year old son taking time each day to ask you how you are feeling - even two weeks after you have surgery. It’s easy to miss the weight of a 12 year old son somehow finding his way into the crook of your arm to snuggle a bit - even after all these years. It’s easy to miss the weight of your 7 year old niece giving you a handmade card on HER birthday asking how you are feeling. It’s easy to miss the weight of your sister bringing an extra bag of dark chocolate Cadbury mini eggs just for you because she knows you don’t like milk chocolate. It’s easy to embrace these moments, soak them in for a bit, and then file them away in the back of your brain - filed in that dark space where the volume is set too low. It’s easy for those moments to get overshadowed by the moments of self doubt, low self esteem, and insecurities - all of those seemingly stored in a place where the volume is kept too high. It’s easy to miss them. But we can’t LET ourselves miss them. We need to remember how much we are loved and how much we matter. Drag out your memories of those moments and shine the light on them. Turn up the volume on those moments. Write them down. Cherish them. Hold onto them. Turn to them on your dark days. Those are the moment that matter. Those are the moments that are real.
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If you’ve been here for a while, you know I’m all about being real and giving space to things that are difficult to talk about.
So, here I am! It’s been 6 days since my 6 hour surgery to evict my broken uterus and excise my endometriosis and since I write about everything else, I figured it’s probably time to write about this too... For starters, I read my surgery notes yesterday. Yikes. It turns out I was a mess internally. Endo had been doing quite a number on my insides. Organs were not where they belonged. Stuff was stuck to other stuff. Endo was growing through muscles and was literally everywhere. I had to have a lot of stuff removed, put back in place, and put back together. I’ve got internal sutures and dissolvable mesh and am waiting on lots of pathology reports from things that were removed. Explains why the surgery took 6 hours. Already it is lovely to no longer be feeling the daily pain my uterus was causing me for years now and it’s startling to be starting to really understand just how much pain I was in on a regular basis before last week’s surgery. But, man do hormones suck. My doctor had told me that I might feel pretty hormonal afterwards for 4-6 weeks. Endo is hormones and my body would likely react to the sudden hormonal change when lots of endo was removed even though I was able to keep my one remaining ovary. I felt great a few days ago and thought I was out of the woods. Ha ha ha. Silly me. My doctor was right about everything else so of course he was right about this. I feel first trimester pregnant now. I’m nauseous. I’m tired. Everything makes me cry. I’m foggy. And I’m a bad Amazon shopper now too. It turns out that fogginess plus online shopping is not a good match. On a slightly related note, does anyone need a random round battery from Amazon that fits absolutely nothing? Back to the hormones...I only want to eat bland carbs and Cadbury mini eggs. And I’m craving weird things. Like that raspberry lime rickey in the photo. I typically don’t drink anything other than water, tea, and alcohol and nothing sweet. But man did that raspberry lime Rickey taste good. So, basically right now I’m a lot of fun. All of the hormone symptoms get worse the more I push myself. They also seem to peak in the afternoon so I am trying to find a balance between doing something and doing nothing. I sort of suck at that. I taught a class today and that went well but now my brain is mush - as evidenced by the choppiness of this post. So, what is the point of this post? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sometimes the point is that there is no point. Sometimes you just have to be in the process - without really knowing when you’ll get to the other side of the process. Sometimes you just have to be in it - wading through the mud and muck and dragging yourself to the other side. So, this is my update from inside the process. Reminding you that if you are in the middle of a process right now - keep holding on. Keep moving forward. The other side is there. You’ll make it there. And if you love someone going through a process and they aren’t so fun to be around right now, love them anyways. They’ll get back to being themselves soon. And seriously, when your brain is mush and foggy, step away from the online shopping... I have a confession.
All around me this week people are sharing their posts from a year ago - posts from when our lives as we knew them came to screeching halt. Although those 2020 feelings of dread, fear, and uncertainty are there beneath the surface and I can easily tap into them, those feelings are not how I define my memories of the past year. I remember things a bit differently. I remember my oldest son walking around in a bike helmet all day on a dare from his brother because what else was there to do? The photos from that day will forever make us chuckle. I remember pulling out all our board games to pass the time, working our way through all the boxes that filled our hallway closet. Those games allowed us to share laughter and create memories. I remember learning Tik Tok dances much to the embarrassment of my sons. Somehow those silly songs now hold a special place in my heart. I remember group FaceTime calls with my friends as we showed our stashes of toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Those calls brought us closer and provided me with a connection I desperately needed. I remember creative date nights at home planned by my husband. His Dominican feast on the day we were supposed to be traveling alone to Punta Cana certainly did not replace our trip but it was a pretty good back up plan. I remember sitting at our kitchen table every morning. That tiny table that somehow fit four humans, their four laptops, and mountains of paperwork became the center hub of our home as we all made the switch to remote learning and remote working. I remember watching the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe and Star Wars catalog as a family - twice - once in the release order and once in chroniclogal order. Those films became the soundtrack of our year. I remember crafting a new kitchen island as a family after on a whim I said we needed a bigger space to do our work. Now that Island anchors my family and serves as the gathering place in our home. I remember building a new patio as a family, brick by brick, because our backyard would be where we would spend our entire spring and summer. Even now under cover of winter in New England, that patio makes me smile as it is a piece of my family’s heart. I remember hugging my sister, brother in law, my nieces, and my nephew for the first time after the initial lockdown. In that moment, standing in my dining room with tears in our eyes, we all decided that we needed to be in each other’s bubble always. I remember spending time with friends outdoors when at times it almost felt like normal life. I remember how when we struggled we were there for each other. I remember how we all adapted. I remember how we learned important lessons about ourselves and our family. I remember how we decided to make lasting changes to our lives. I remember laughter. I remember joy. I remember love. I remember hope. I remember that the year we were forced inward and were forced to slow down was also the year when we learned how to stay connected and truly enjoy life. I remember that we found out just how lucky and loved we truly are. As a therapist, I talk with patients every day about developing coping tools and strategies to help them better manage anxiety. Things like deep breathing, challenging faulty thinking, and building self care strategies are often what we focus on in sessions but there are some products that are widely available via online in in person retailers that people should also consider adding to their anxiety tool kit. Here are 7 must-haves* for anyone with anxiety and since each of these tools has a variety of options and price point, you can totally individualize each option! 1. Weighted Blanket Are you someone who likes a good hug or snuggling up under a warm blanket? Do you feel better when you can sit somewhere that makes you feel safe and secure? A weighted blanket provides all of those physical sensations. I first used weighted blankets over 25 years ago when I worked with children who had sensory processing difficulty. The blankets were heavier than your normal blanket and would help calm them and make them feel safe. I soon learned that they also worked for me, giving me an instant feeling of calmness even from holding the blanket on my lap. Today, weighted blankets are available in a variety of sizes from lap blankets to king size blankets and in a wide variety of weights. I promise you, a weighted blanket will quickly become your favorite item to turn to when feeling anxious and overwhelmed. 2. Essential Oils I use essential oils all the time in my home and in my office. When it comes to anxiety relief, there are essential oil blends specifically formulated to reduce stress, improve relaxation, and help you to calm your mind. You can use some of these oils topically (mix them with a carrier oil first such as almond oil) or even ingested. I prefer to diffuse a few drops of them in an essential oil diffuser. Just a few drops will help to ease any stress and anxiety you or your family may be feeling and it will leave the air smelling fresh! 3. Workbooks and Journals If you are self-motivated, workbooks and journals can be a great tool to use to help you gain insight into the root causes of your anxiety. You can set some time aside each morning or evening to review a section and complete some of the worksheets included. Although not a replacement for one on one counseling, workbooks and journals like the ones below can be an excellent way to help you start to gain control of your anxious feelings. 4. Zen Garden If you have ever seen these tabletop Zen Gardens, you know how calming it can be to allow yourself to do nothing but rake the sand and lay out the decorative rocks. Adding one of these to your desk at work or to a tablespace at home will provide you with a daily reminder to slow down and breathe. 5. At Home Fitness One of the most effective ways to combat anxiety is to find a way to release some of the pent-up anxious energy. Exercise is a perfect way to do this. If you don’t have time or the funds to go to a gym, there are lots of ways that you can work out right in your own home. Cardio has a lot of benefits when it comes to anxiety management so a simple home exercise machine like a rower or a stationary bike can be a good addition to your routine. You can get one delivered to your door for less than $250. That’s a small price to pay for some anxiety relief coupled with physical fitness. 6. Grown Up Coloring Books There is something very calming and relaxing about coloring an intricately designed picture. I’m not talking about cartoon character coloring books like we had when we were young. These coloring book options for adults are meant to take some time and are even more enjoyable when done with a set of good quality thin tip markers or colored pencils. This is an activity you can do with others too. So, grab a few friends, put out some refreshments and get your coloring on! Watch as your anxiety starts to drift away. 7. Bath Bombs You either are a bath person or you’ve never actually had a good bath. A nice hot bath at the end of a long day can be a great way to quiet your mind and increase your relaxation. Bath bombs can make the experience even more beneficial by adding some calming fragrance and skin softening properties to the water. Don’t like bath bombs? Try bath salts or take a bubble bath. No matter how you prefer your bath, make some time to pause from your daily hustle to slow down and relax.
Wouldn’t it be great to feel like you have a bit of a better handle on your anxiety? Can you imagine your life without the weight of anxiety always looming over it? Isn’t it time to add to your anxiety management tool kit? Go ahead and invest in yourself! *Some of these links are considered “affiliate links,” meaning if you click through these links to make a purchase, I might earn a small commission. Keep in mind that I link these companies and these products because of their quality and not because of the commission I receive from your purchases. All of these are products that I have used personally or professionally and many have also been successfully used by my clients and colleagues. There are times in everyone’s lives when the bad stuff hits.
Sometimes the bad stuff hits all at once. Sometimes the bad stuff hits gradually over time. Sometimes the hits are so bad that you don’t feel like getting out of bed, leaving your house, or answering your phone. Sometimes the bad stuff makes you turn inward. Sometimes it makes you implode on yourself. Sometimes it makes you explode on others. No matter how you react to the bad stuff, one thing is shared — the bad stuff exists for all of us at some point in our lives. As I have been reflecting on our shared experiences with the bad stuff lately, I have been considering them within the context of this time of year. Spring is almost here and with it comes a collective shift of our focus to the future. This is a time of reflection and goal setting. At times like these, I always turn towards inspirational quotes to keep me grounded in reality while also striving towards my goals. This, one of my favorite quotes from Theodore Roosevelt, made it’s way into my social media feed the other day. It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.― Theodore Roosevelt For me, this quote is about being your best, striving for greatness, and setting up the best future possible for yourself, knowing that it will take fight, courage and, sometimes, even failure. But, really the quote is so much more. It is a quote filled with questions:
The reality is, though, it truly doesn’t really matter whether you succeed or fail. What matters is that you are out there — you are in the arena. You are trying. You are doing. You are living. And, until we know failure, loss and sacrifice, we cannot truly appreciate the sweetness of success and all the beauty life has to offer us. So, to the person in the arena, with the face marred by “dust and sweat and blood,” look around. If you take a moment to pause your battle and take stock of where you are right now, you will see that you are not alone. There are lots of us in the same arena and while we all are fighting versions of our own battles, our own bad stuff, some of us are here to help fight each other’s battles as well. This arena can be a scary, dangerous place but it isn’t a vast empty space. The arena isn’t a space in which we all fight our own battles; instead, the arena is a place where we can gain strength from each other and from knowing that we are not alone. Reach out to those around you in your arena right now and let them help you fight your battles and your bad stuff. The real living in life, after all, takes place in that space between failure and success. It takes place in the arena. Ladies, I have an important message for you.
You know that voice in your head — the not so nice one? The one that tells you all the ways other people are better than you. The one that tells you that you aren’t smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, skinny enough, nice enough, rich enough, talented enough, popular enough. The one that tells you that you are a bad mother, bad friend, bad sister, bad employee, bad wife. Yes, that voice. Guess what? She lies. She’s wrong. She’s become too comfortable in your brain. She lies. She’s become too familiar. You don’t need to listen to her. She lies. You don’t have to be perfect. No one is perfect. You don’t have to have it all figured out. No one does. You don’t have to be able to do it all. No one can. When that voice starts ringing in your head, picture yourself turning down her volume, like you would on the tv or radio. Remind yourself that she lies. Turn up the volume on all the good things about yourself. You ARE enough. You DO matter. You ARE loved. That’s the only voice that you should listen to — the kind one. That’s the truth. You know those days that just don’t go right?
Days where you sleep later than you planned. Days where you can’t outrun the dark cloud following you around. Days where you spill your entire protein shake and then your giant glass of water all over your rug 4 minutes before a work meeting. Days where you stub your toe while rushing down the hallway. Days where you accidentally forget to pay a bill, return an important call, or miss a text message. Days where the brand new rug cleaner stops working. Days where everything annoys you and nothing feels right. Sometimes you can reframe it all. Sometimes you can laugh it off. Sometimes you can take a deep breath and reset. Sometimes you just can’t. Sometimes some days are just not meant to be great or even good days. On those days, pour yourself a hot cup of tea (be careful you don’t spill it on yourself), soak in a hot bath, or leaf through a light and airy magazine. Give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack. Then go to bed. Trust that tomorrow is a new day. You can try it all again tomorrow. I know I will. My therapy sessions with my patients have grown heavy once again — especially for my patients that work in healthcare.
Day after day they share, with tear filled eyes, their overwhelming fatigue. They stare blankly ahead at the telehealth screen as they describe lying awake night after night, too exhausted and overwhelmed to find sleep. Each patient and their story is different but the common theme is the same — burnout. Complete and total burnout. So many question their career choice — for many of them have felt failed by their employers. So many question their own humanity — for they now dread going to work and being around people. So many question their future — for the passion that they once felt for their work is now nowhere to be found. Like so many of us they are crawling, bruised and broken, toward some nebulous finish line on the horizon. Sometimes as we near the end of a session, they will stop me and ask me if I am doing ok. “How are YOU managing it all?” They are caregivers by nature and struggle to keep the focus on themselves-even during their own therapy session. But I think they are mostly looking for signs of hope. Hope is what is missing most now. Hope is what is needed most now. In times of great sorrow, loss, and tragedy it is hope that keeps us tethered to our life and to each other. Hope that something and someone can be consistent. Hope for brighter days. Hope for rest. Hope for passions to be reborn. Hope to enjoy the world again. Hope to make it to tomorrow. As you crawl toward the finish line right now, find hope. Find it anywhere you can. And hold onto it. What is your self care plan this month? As you are making your holiday shopping list and checking it twice, don't forget to plan for your own self care! Use this free guide below to plan how you will care for yourself this month in 6 main areas: body, mind, emotions, spirituality, finances, and others, Keep it simple by committing to 1 or 2 tasks or goals in each of the 6 areas. I recommend making a new checklist each week and hanging it somewhere where you can see it often. For example, mine may include something like this: Body: Exercise bike for 30 minutes 3 times this week Mind: Read for 15 minutes each day Emotions: Journal my feelings each night Spirituality: Meditate each day for 2 minutes Finances: Set a budget for holiday shopping; Put 5% of my income in savings Others: Select an item from the giving tree; Reach out to 5 friends this week to check on them
“You’re one of the strongest moms I know. If you can’t do it, I can’t either.”
My friend’s words jumped out of the text at me, hitting me right in the gut. That negative voice in my head, always lurking just beneath the surface, was quick to question her view of me. How could it be that someone sees me as strong when lately all I feel is weak, a growing sense that I am a failure, and the notion that I am shrinking away from everyone? Originally published on Her View From Home. Click HERE for full article. |
Mental healthNow, more than ever, we all need a little support to help get us through the rough spots. With all the pressures of life, it can be a challenge to find time to not only take care of yourself but also to truly understand who you even are anymore. Archives
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